It was a hard but rewarding session. T did not want me to read the posts that I had xeroxed (I did not print or send her the entire thread). She said that puts me in my head, and she is always more interested in how I am right there, in the moment. So she said we're going to do breathing/meditation for a few minutes and get back to doing that at each session. She thinks that will help me when I get anxious and in these predicaments. It will help ground me.

She was, as many of you suggested, interested in WHY I wanted/needed to know where she was, and what my feelings were when I saw her car wasn't there. She wasn't as concerned about whether it crossed boundaries or not. We talked about my being upset because "she wasn't where she was supposed to be".

I wanted to get it all out so I jumped around a bit too much, from one aspect of the problem to another. Blur, I DID read some of your post out loud and my T agreed with it, but she does not think I have to quit now. The main thing was that I was more honest than ever, and told her how I thought my attachment was worse than ever, and how the parts don't want to separate from her, and only one "small part, which is my Self, the rational part", knows that I have to change or I'll be forever miserable. I told her most of the parts just want to be with her. I was so embarrassed but I told her about the 11 year old part who wants to keep looking at her because she "looks good", and who has a crush on her.

So, this is what we decided today:

1. I will stop emailing her unless it's directly related to scheduling or something I think is urgent. She trusts that I will use my judgment. She never liked emailing in the first place.

2. I will contact two places in my area that offer DBT. She recommended one of them, but she does think you need to see one of their Ts. She said maybe I can still see her too. I said I am not doing DBT now if I have to stop seeing her. She said I should call them and see, for now.

3. She doesn't want me to post so much on this forum. I resisted that one. I think she would rather I wouldn't come here at all, but I said that's too much for me to give up. So she said not to post as much. I have to decide how to implement that. She said "don't write about therapy" but I said it's a psychotherapy forum!

We started to talk about boundaries and what they are but we didn't have enough time. I asked her to tell me why we can't be friends even though I know the answer. She said that we wouldn't know each other if I hadn't come to therapy, and she never does therapy with her friends. Her job is to help me.

She sees me as having made some changes but she understands better how I am stuck with the attachment problem. I didn't hold anything back.

We ended with her asking me to name things I am grateful for.

So, I am not supposed to email her. That's not as hard as not coming on here so much. I have to decide how I'm going to set limits. Like once a day for an hour, instead of the hours I spend. OR, like sunrise suggested, start fewer threads, or like Hankster, no threads at all. That's going to be very hard for me.

Tomorrow I will call the DBT places.

I'm hurting but not so much as I thought because my T accepts me and still believes in me. It will be hard not to email her. I want to write somewhere and not in a handwritten journal. Maybe just emails to myself. I'm not sure.

I could have used a few more hours today with her to sort out some more.
She asked me where in my body I feel something and that was hard to answer because we were talking about the parts who want to be with her, I think. I said I felt ugly and exposed, and she wanted to know when I've felt that way before. I couldn't think of anything. I was too focused on what to do, how to change, etc.

For this week, the not emailing will be my priority.

I did feel somewhat relieved at being more honest about where I'm at, and not feeling less attached.

I couldn't cry though I sure felt like it, and did when I left. I'm holding back, even to myself, though. I probably will when I get into bed. Oh, she talked about black and white thinking. It's not that way with her and me, and with my therapy. I've made progress in other areas, she said. She asked me about that, and I said "I know I have parts now, and they aren't all of me but I know they're still running the show." She didn't think I would have understood that 2 years ago.