My bff and I were being goofy, and I decided to spank her for fun. She spanked me back and then I got out my riding crop and decided to use it (we were being fake-goofy-kinky so she was okay with it). I didn't mind using it on her, but when I gave it to her I kept freaking out and flinching so a few times she ended up hitting me with the stick part. She hits hard, which is the point, but I couldn't keep still and there was a part of me that was scared. My mom would spank me growing up, and when she was drunk she would spank me thinking it was funny but I hated when she did it. It felt humiliating that I was too old for that and even at a young age I knew it was a thing she did with my dad, so it was twice as humiliating. Now I am wondering if the spanking should be kept between me and someone I love who want to be spanked for pleasure and not just to goof around? I never brought up the spanking issue with my T because everyone has gotten spanked when they were young, but would it really make me scared of being spanked by someone i love? I didn't buy the crop to use on myself but because I can't spank hard to begin with and I do think spanking can be kinky and I'm hoping this can just be a fear I can get over with practice.

Thoughts? Could this fear be a result from my mom?