I know I've been complaining a lot about this lately, but can I just sit here for awhile? The "Fat Lady" thread brought up a lot for me (not a bad thing; it needed to come out).

I'm not usually so vulnerable. I don't try to be - not here, and not in therapy. But that's the place where it would help if I could let down my guard.

I'm overweight - many of you have heard me say this and you know how low my self-esteem is about it. Most of you probably don't even give a crap because you aren't so shallow to judge me for it. I wouldn't care if I were just an observer reading this post. I'd say "So what? You're heavy. Makes no difference to me". I guess it feels different the other way around.

Anyway, here's the story I came to post. I saw T today. It was a good session, very deep and analytical, I guess. Towards the end, she brought up something I've been trying to avoid.

(As best as I can remember our conversation)
T: So you tell me, what do you think we need to work on?
Me: Well, I'd like to discuss my Asperger's more - I really think it's helping. Then there's the, erm...body issues thing.
T: Do you think you'll be able to? Remember what you told me about not feeling like I can understand what you're going through...Would you feel better discussing it with a different clinician? I can do that for you.
Me: No, no. I don't want that. I know that I have to work through this with you, because you're the person I'm projecting all these feelings onto.
T: Right. Well, I'm glad you see it that way...

Our conversation went somewhere along those lines. My therapist is very fit. She's the gym-type. On a conscious level, I know she would never judge my appearance and that all I'm doing is projecting my fear of judgement onto her.

I don't want to work with anyone else but her. I adore her. But I can't figure out why I can't get past the fear that she finds me disgusting. Logic tells me she never would, but logic takes a back seat here.

I used to be so open and honest with her and had no problem letting my guard down. Once the subject turned to body issues, I immediately locked up. I feel so much shame when I cry in therapy, when I discuss how much I hate the way I look. I feel awful because she has no idea what's going on...she doesn't know how to help me. All I want is to go back to that place I used to be, back when we did EMDR and I completely broke down and lost it...and she was perfectly ok with that.

I'm so sorry. I'm not being an attention-seeker by posting this - I legitimately need help. I don't know what to do.

No, wait...I know one thing. I'll print this off and bring it to her. She'll have to read it or else I'll just lock up even more. I don't get where these feelings of shame are coming from.

How come I've never had a problem with this before? Did I hit on a major issue here or am I just being stupidly over-emotional about it?

I hope I'm not complaining about this too much. I just need some help for a second.