Last night I couldn't sleep even with a sleep aid. The thoughts and guilt kept bombarding me and the only relief I thought I'd get was if I just offed myself. As the night wore on I decided to speak to my mom about the things from my past that were now eating me from the inside out.

When she woke up, we talked, I cried, told her how horrible of a person I was because of the things I did. She was there for me, reassuring me, told me a lot of people do horrible, regretful things (I know this but sometimes your not rational with yourself). She told me feeling guilty about certain things you did wrong is in a way good, what if I didn't feel guilty for doing something wrong, that would be worse. I'm paraphrasing most of this, she said it much better than I'm relaying.

I do feel a bit better with the guilt but I'm still pretty depressed. I'm hoping to be accepted into this program today, I need to get better and start living my life. I've done so many things, like travel. I've been to Italy (numerous times), Australia, to visit family but I never experienced it like I should have out of fear and my depression. I slept walked for the majority of my life.

I just hope if I don't get accepted that I won't slide back down. So I won't try to get my hopes up too high. I'll post again later after the appointment. Wish me well, I need all the positive thoughts I can get. Thanks for those who have listened and helped with your kind words.