What a horrid day. Crying on & off all day, sitting in my apartment, sweating, depressed, bored. I hate holidays. It wasn't even all about not having transportation to go anywhere and do anything. I'm just stuck in a poor, poor pitiful me funk. I had the tv on all day. I kept seeing people (like Oprah) who have had so many blessings lavished on them, and all I can think of is...where's mine? I've been a good person who's had to endure more crap than most people ever do in a lifetime. And I've done that without becomming a serial killer, hooker, drug pusher as a result. And, for what? I've survived all this crap just so I can go on and have more dumped on me, later? What's THAT about? I know there are no rewards, and life is unfair, but does it always have to be THIS unfair???

Somebody on some show was carrying on about their father, and all I could think of is "what's that like?" I never had a father. Never even met him. Most people take having parents for granted. Or siblings. I can't conceive of having a brother or sister. My father deserted my mother before he could knock her up again. Now, at 56, I'm alone. Some people never have to be alone in their whole lives. I've never been married, no kids. Do you know what my old age is going to be like (if I have one)? ALONE alone. I hope I won't be a poverty case, but if history is any indication...

Then there's rich ol' Oprah. I wonder what's it's like to be so rich you can have anything you want, live anywhere you want? It's not even envy (no, it really isn't). I've always been bothered by the chasm between the haves and the have-nots. (I've been on the have-not side most of my life) It's the unfairness. I know nobody said the world was fair, but to have it be SOOO unfair! I find myself less and less able to tolerate the injustice of it, the older I get. I'm SICK of deprivation!!!! Some of the worst people I've ever known in this lifetime have had so much just handed to them, while I've just had to sit and watch and feel like there's never a God (for me).

Today, I'm worried about the car (how much it's going to cost to fix, whether or not my car vandalizing neighbor had anything to do with what's wrong with it THIS time...), and I'm feeling VERY deprived, sad, worried about the future. Not at ALL in a holiday celebration state of mind.

I need to cry again...