((((((((((((((Evangelsita))))))))))))) Hang in there. Like Kimmy said it does get better and there are good sides to it too.

Like the nonstop voices memorys - they used to bother me but yet because I have those voices running a non stop commentary I can do more then one thing at the same time becasue my brain is constantly making the matches to my present life to the sored memories. For instance today I cleaned out my "office" closet looking for some project stuff that I need to take with me thursday to therapy, besides looking for that stuff I also sorted out toys because my "nephews" (friends children but they call me Aunt) had a problem picking up the toys last time they were here so I fashioned shelves in my office closet and sorted the toys according to groups of what sets went together and so on and put them on the shelves so that they can see at a glance their options instead of dumping the whole toy box to get that one item that they want, I also uploaded some pictures on my computer, and also talked by three way calling with a few members of my real time support group because they were doing some work in a few workbooks and wanted to create a project simular to one of mine I did. I was able to do all these things at the same time because instead of my thinking about how to do them I just started doing them and just kept followning the voices that I heard. My therapist thought it was great when I took my crocheting birthday presents last summer in because she got to see first hand that I was able to stay on thrack of the discussion, not miss a stitch because I wasn't looking at the crocheting that I was doing, plus I was able read and comprehend a paper for the depression management class that we were doing one on one.

I can use relaxation visualizations and actually mentally experience that visualization to the point where I feel the warmth of sunshine, or the cool breeze, each body part ror muscle group elaxing separately.

I can take relaxation visualizations to the point of putting it to work like in my memory recall work. Nornal people have to train for months to be able to do that where as I am there pretty much in a snap.

I dont and didn't have lack of social connections with people. being DID actually works in my favor. I have friends I don't even know I have because I made those friends while I was on the autopilot of memory pieces. For example in the mary memory pieces I have one group of friends, in the memory piece of Katherine I have another group of friends and yet with the memory piece of Tracy I have another group of friends. One time in the depression management group we had this activity of putting our various types of relationships (friends, family, doctors, lawyers, therapists and so on) on a circular form and just the onging present friendship section I had 96 names listed because I have so many variety of friends because I have DID.

I also don't have the problem of eye contact because I am DID. I have always been watchful of facial expressions and facial twitches, eye ball and lid positions (open, closed squinted, anger filled glares and so on), other body postures and expressions. I win staring contests games hands down, know what someone is thinking just by paying attention to their face and eyes because a person may be able to verbally say one thing and their body language will always tell me the truth.

I don't have the fear of somone inside killing me or that I will be whole but not me because my memory pieces are just pieces of the memories of me. either way - remembering what those memories are or not remembering what those memories are its still all me. I'm not possessed by spirits and ghosts and so on.

I have loads of flashbacks (body sensations, vistual pictures, and so on but instead of fighting against them I welcome the flashbacks because they are what tells me what the unremembered memories are. So I use flashbacks as a tool instead of an inconvienent or painful happening.

I don't consider my memory pieces as irrational. To me the word irrational means makes no sense. Well my pieces of memories are there for a reason. By separating my memories my brain saved my life and sanity. So instead when I hear something that does not seem to make sense I look around to locate the reason that memory is replaying.

Hang in there. (((((((((((((Scully))))))))))))))