Firstoff, I have to thank the two of you for replying to this very delicate topic at hand, as it's something that I feel takes a lot of careful consideration into deciding if this is the correct treatment process for me.

I unfortunately have become a danget to myself and the people around me, though 99.9% of the danger is to myself via SI, but escalating to more dangerous beheavior that I feel unable to control. Driving habits, spending habits, among other things have put me in a position where I fear for my financial stability and my ability to live my life, but on a larger level, I fear myself putting my body in harms way to be my "release" from all of this. The justification there is absurd, though my mind thinks that it's completely validated. Part of my mind at least.

I want to make sure that if I'm going to go to the hospital, that it's on my terms, as I need to take the time to find soeone to tend to my cat, arrange time at work, etc. If it weren't a worry and I could just go and stay for as long as I needed, then I would do that, but unfortunately I have to try to work a hospital stay around my work schedule, as odd as that may sound.

As to the other question, if I could just see my primary healthcare provider, it's two-fold. He's been my care provider for over 20 years now. That is a double bladed sword, as he knows what has happened in the past to a degree, but in the same regard, he expects things of me that are unattainable in my current state. I have a back condition due to meningitis and every time I've complained that my cark has been killing me, he tries to get me to do exercises and tells me that is all that needs to be done. Well, I've tried them, I exercise regularly, and it is still damaged. It's things like this that make it hard to see him, as he has this mental image of what I "should" be, and then it feels like he doesn't listen. It's why I like my T. He's opened my eyes to broader horizons since he specializes in that field. I suppose I say I can't go because I'm scared of that doctor. I need to change primary caregivers, but I just don't have it in me right now to go through that process.

I took myself off a medication, which I know is a terrible idea to do, and what has probably caused a lot of the relapse into my current position, and I wanted to know if it would be a good (or bad) idea to go back on the medication prescribed for me previously. It really wasn't that bad, Abilify and Effexor, though I would have to go about paying for them out of pocket again. I have a couple weeks supply of the Abilify, which was supposed to be the more important of the two, focusing more on the effects of my BPD, though I could pay for a half of a refil of the Effexor and go back on that as well. I know this probably isn't the place to ask, but I would say that I'm in a pretty desperate place and am willing to listen to anyone who could possibly help out. I'm wanting to take them, but I don't know if my T would be upset at me, more so than he will for my going off them in the first place. I'm just scared of his reaction, but I promised that I would go see him again. I am going, and I'm going to get better. I want to get better.