You know when you're being kicked and punched and your automatic reflex is to curl up into a ball so they can't hurt the vulnerable parts of you? That's exactly what is happening to me.

I'm really shocked at my response to his possibility of saying that I was being released from the program. I thought I would be sad. But I was preparing myself. He was talking.

"And so we feel that we as a program have let you use us for things you can do yourself and that we have held you back and are holding you back"

And I wanted him to say it. I wanted him to say it.

"And we don't feel we as a program can help you anymore".

When he was talking I was just soothing myself "it's over. it's okay. it's over".

But he never said it.

I just wish the team leader would admit her dislike towards me, so that she could stop pretending to want to work with me. Because it ends in us fighting constantly. And I don't fight with anyone. I'm scared to death of arguing with people. It makes me so anxious. You see what one meeting has done to me? It's been two days and I am still on my toes over it.