I don’t know how many can relate to this occurrence…but I have been told that I need to have a surgery, in that a General Anesthesia will need to be administered. I have a terrible fear of being a patient in a hospital, revolves around several issues…but having to submit to General Anesthesia…I don’t know..it is a phobic reaction of some sort..I would risk my health and perhaps my life rather than have to go under….I know this relates to my only Surgery, a Cesarean section that was done over 27 years ago…they rushed me in for an emergent c-section and after they had me count down under the mask..I was out all of a second..suddenly I was completely aware of the operating room environment, the sounds, the feelings around my body…the Surgeon asked if I was out, the surgeon then turned on some music to listen to, they started talking about what they had planned for the weekend, I heard instruments rattling on trays…I couldn’t move, I was paralyzed but was hearing and feeling everything..he made the incision after stating “let’s get this baby out” ..it burned like h*** at that point I was screaming so much in my head..I tried so hard to move anything as they continued the surgery, concentrating on my hands, then my thumb anything ..anything.. to make them stop, but nothing would move…finally they lifted my daughter out I felt the pressure of her weight being lifted from my body, then they started to clean and close…I could not stand it..Finally I heard the doctor state very startled…”look at her pressures”…then I heard a voice next to me..must have been the Anesthesiologist say “ Oh my God”.mumbled a few inaudible comments, .then suddenly I was out..blackness..I did not say anything to anyone while I was in the hospital, but on my first visit with the Surgeon…I spoke to him about what had happened..he got very defensive and stated he was surprised I had remembered what had happened because they had given me a strong medication that was suppose to induce Amnesia…I wasn’t trying to blame him or anyone else..I think he just felt helpless that it had occurred..I just needed to talk to someone, I was so scared…but I think I would rather be dead before ever.. ever.. going thru the agony of being tortured unable to move when someone is operating on you….

The Anesthesiology Association published an Article in their Association Magazine in April of 06…stating that there are certain procedures were intraoperative awareness has a higher rate of occurrence..these surgeries are Cesarean Sections, Heart Surgery, and Trauma Surgeries….I don’t know what to do…I cant overcome my terror of going under..they stated that have better tools out that monitor brain wave activities…but crap..how can I know for sure..

I have had another experience where sedation did not work, the same thing happened I was told I would be sedated for many hours during a transport where they had to use restraints and they wanted me out for the trip, but a few moments later, when I was being loaded by medical staff, I was wide awake, feeling paniced..and I was very traumatized by that experience too….and I don’t know..I have been told this may have something to do with the Trauma background from childhood and how the brain rewires itself..but now I am like a rabid animal when it comes to sedation…I don’t want anyone to touch me or come near me with the issue…any advice or other Survivors of this type of Trauma, and how they are dealing with it?