I'm confused and hoping I can draw on the collective wisdom of PC Yesterday in my session I finally- and I mean *finally*!- got angry with my parents. I have always been the first to say 'they did their best'. Yesterday, T took up the 'they did their best' mantra and I shouted back that it wasn't good enough. Which is true- it wasn't. T and I then had this weird semi-argument, where she kept trying to frame things from their point of view, and I just felt more invalidated and hopeless and 'to blame' as it went on. T kept insisting that it was for my own good as she didn't want to see me throw them away altogether.

I sent her this email- I'd love to hear your thoughts on whether you've got angry, and how your T responded. Is she right, and I'm just trying to justify myself? I'm really out of my depth as I never 'do anger. Then I did, and it all went wrong somehow.

"I feel a bit confused about today. I understand about it being important to mentalise my mother, and to see things from her point of view etc., but do I have to do that *right now*? You know what, *she's* the mother. It was *her* job to mentalise *me* and she has consistently failed at that for 30 years. I think it's ok to be angry about that for a little while before rushing to see things from her point of view.

When I first came to you, it was too scary to admit that there was ANYTHING wrong with my family at all. Even considering that possibility felt so threatening that my brain shut down. And all my life, with my mother, it has just been too dangerous to have or express any feelings. Disappointed? Swallow it. Hurt? Hide it. Angry? God that's not even a word in her repertoire (and hence it's not in mine either). Today it felt like you were my mother... and not in a good way!

I agree with you that it's not black and white. I agree that I am feeding into the situation with my mother right now. But I'm not angry about right now. I'm angry for baby me and 8 year old me and 14 year old me. That was my mother. Not me. I will come to see my part in things. I haven't been reticent in owning my part with [ex-partner] (I think your point there is that I over-own). I will salvage some form of 'relationship' with my mother. I'm not doing anything drastic which will cause irreparable damage. I'm not wallowing or making myself unhappy- I'm processing. I'm not needlessly holding onto it in a way which is holding my life back. So could I have your permission to be angry for a little while?

When I read in the schema book 'you have both grief and anger about your emotional deprivation, and you must ensure you experience these fully' (I'm paraphrasing), I thought 'hmm, I'm not angry'. And here we are a few weeks later and I am... angry! I wonder if this feels drawn out to you because *you* were angry with them at the beginning of June. But I wasn't. I was devastated, but not yet angry. I don't plan to stay angry for the sake of it. I'm not enjoying it. It's only that it took so long to happen, that I'm afraid of skipping over it, or of me or you pushing it back down. I think it needs to happen. What do you think? I'm willing to listen to you- you know far more than I do about all this.

There's a Dixie Chicks song I love called "I'm not ready to make nice". I'm just not ready yet T, to make nice with people who have caused me so much harm. I'm ok with that, but I'm not sure you are? "