Perna explained it well. I didn't realize that I had laid down my defenses until I'd been doing it, and felt the therapeutic relationship dynamic markedly changing. My normal anxiety - with respect to the relationship - vanished. I felt emotionally secure. I didn't fear rejection. I experienced myself as accepted and understood.

Probably the biggest impetus for my learning this stuff was during the period of time where I pushed my therapist a lot - testing her tolerance. Sometimes I said hurtful things... even things that I later found out felt to her like I was challenging her competence. She never reacted defensively to me. Never. With compassion, she demonstrated interest in understanding whatever it was I was challenging. This went on for a long time, and ultimately it affected the way I related in therapy, with her. I internalized that way of being. I've successfully taken it outside too.

That's how all that worked for me, anyway.