How things went today:

SHE WAS LATE

When I went in her office I was shaking I was so angry. She asked me what was going on with me in that moment and I told her I was angry. I told her I was afraid to admit to myself that I was angry with her last week. I didn't want her to be angry with me.

I told her I was upset with her because she was late last week and today. I also told her how I was angry about how my husband mentioned that "I like therapy".

As for my husbands comment I told her it felt like he was saying I shouldn't be in therapy or I don't have a reason to be in therapy. Things aren't that bad.

As for her being late she told me she was sorry. She said she could see how that would upset me. She also said that her keeping track of the time is her responsibility and when she goes over with clients it's because there is something important going on in that moment or a person is having a difficult time. She then asked me how I felt if the anger was still there and I said yes. I asked her if she got my email and I apologized for sending it. I told her in that moment the emotions took over and I was embarrassed about that.

She said as for time she goes over with many clients but she also goes late if she starts late (that wasn't the case with me last week - I watch the clock ). I told her I also had some jealousy about what goes on in the therapy room and I have feelings of not being valued or that I really matter. She told me that she likes seeing me and finds me intelligent and interesting (I personally think she was blowing smoke up my a55 - but who knows for sure).

We also talked about me feeling like I'm being taken advantage of in my friendship when it comes time. Thankfully my a n a l retentive husband the engineer is spot on schedule all the time so I've never really knew I had an issue with time. - I know it all relates to something from my past. I just need to figure it all out and process it.

She said I am very critical of people in my relationships (true). I hold a very high standard in my relationships along (something my husband actually finds attractive in me ironically! - LOL!) in addition to being hard on myself. She said that no relationship is perfect but I need to figure out where my lines are and try approaches with being vocal in a constructive way. If people don't respect the lines then I need to make the decision to move on.

As for the time issue my T said this:

I need to decide if the time is an issue for me and if so she can help me find another therapist if I choose. (in some way I kind of think that's a good idea because right now I don't feel attached to her so now would be the best time to split - IMO)
She said I can choose to be angry and stay with it or move on.

I don't know if I can do this or not.
Do I want my therapy to be about my T being late and me being triggered? Can I get past this. Maybe it's good that I can be angry at her because then I wont be attached. Being attached hurts to much when there's a goodbye at the end.

I don't feel like I can trust this T. Not sure what to do?
I may start a new thread on this topic about T going over time etc...

PS - she went over an hour with me. 1hour 12 mins.