My friend (Jill) is 15, and I’m now 20. I met her at work when she began working there in August of last year. I noticed right away that she had problems including: sever drug addiction, alcoholism, cutting and attempted suicide. Her sorted family history included: divorce, suicide, mental illness, abuse… I think you get the picture. I seem to attract these kinds of people. At first I tried to stay away because at the time she seemed hyperactive and high risk. I didn’t know of her past at the time, only that she was into drugs (the extent at which was revealed to me as time went on) As time went on and our friendship grew she started to back away from her activities, in favour of the clean and sober life. This is around the time that Jill and I began an interesting relationship. We dated for about two weeks after which she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was crushed, her being the first girl I loved and this being the first time I’d ever been dumped. We agreed to stay friends, which was fine for me.

Within the span of a week she had moved on and found someone else. I was crushed again. It would have been better if she’d stopped calling me, then I’d would have known she wasn’t interested in me anymore. But the phone calls continued with regularity. Most of the time she’d point out how different her new boyfriend was to me, how much better. Which hurt like hell. But I rationalized the situation and continued to offer her support and friendship, which she seemed to want. Soon, I began getting upset (sad, not angry) because she’d say she’d do things or agree to hang out, then never followed through with her word. Christmas was tough, knowing they were spending it together. But I told myself she was happier without me. My father gave me Warren Zevon’s “The Wind” for Christmas and if you’ve listened to the album, you’d understand why it seemed like a cruel joke.

Things came to a head and I told her that I didn’t want to see her be hurt (emotionally) so until I sorted my problems out (my problems being her breaking my heart then making me jealous) I’d leave her be and hope that she’s happy.

Two weeks passed and luckily enough we didn’t see each other at work. Nor did we contact each other by any other means. I assumed she’d moved on and I began to move on. Then she calls me, tells me she’s missed me and that she was breaking things off with this other boy. Mixed emotions on my part. We began talking on the phone with regularity and things began to improve.

A pattern developed, we’d talk for hours then see each other on the weekend, then the next day she’d call and tell me she wasn’t ready for a relationship. This has happened four times since January, the last being Feb 20th, I remember it because it was the beginning of my spring break. After Feb 20th, she called me and told me that she and her ex were going to go to his house for lunch, during school time, and fool around. I was really upset (again sad, not mad. At this point I had never been mad at her), she didn’t seem to understand why. By the end of the conversation it sounded like she was rethinking her actions.

Once again I rationalized the situation and forgave her. I told her that we weren’t dating, she had no reason to tell me these things and she could do what ever with whome ever she wanted. But her sexual activity continued in a relaxed manner and she told me about it several more times: "oh, we have an unusual friendship" was what she'd say. Until onetime she told me at work, and through teary eyes I told her that she was taking our friendship for granted. She seemed to want to make amends after that and made a promise to me and herself that she wasn’t going to fool around with anyone because people get hurt. It was at this time that I found out that during the times she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she was fooling around with her ex boyfriend, whom she said she wasn’t attracted to. That reality hurt.

Then her March break came up and once again she found absolutely no time to spend with me, even though she said she would. She found all the time in the world to spend with people she saw everyday, but no time for me. I sent her an email asking “what are you holding on to?” The email was fuelled by anger and I basically told her how I felt I was being treated, how she’d taken me for granted after all I’d done to help her, after all the times I gave advise. I finished with “If you don’t stop taking me for granted, you’re going to lose what ever it is you’re holding on to.” I hoped the message would get across that I was at my whit’s end. Her response was anger. She said she didn’t want to get emails like that and didn’t want to hear what a poor friend she’s been. No one would. Either way, my feelings were not acknowledged and the message in the email was not understood. In the end, she got me apologizing for sending the email. We stayed up until 3:30 am talking on the phone, saving the friendship.

At the end of the phone conversation, I asked if she’d like to spend one or two hours the next day talking about it in person, she agreed but said she had some school work to do first. The next day came and she did her work, but then went to Ctrl A (a gathering of Japanese animation fanatics where they watch anime from 5pm Friday until 11pm, and again on Saturday 12pm to 10pm). She, once again, didn’t follow through with her word. Ctrl A is something she does every four weeks and it’s something she looks forward to, so although I was crushed, again, I didn’t make a fuss. My younger brother also attends Ctrl A and is friends with Kris (the ex. boyfriend of Jill) They all attend Ctrl A. My brother told me that Jill and Kris. came to Ctrl A, stayed for an hour then returned to Kris’ place to watch more anime. I was furious that she’d rather watch anime and (I suspected) fool around with Kris than talk with me for two hours assuring our friendship was ok. This happened Friday. On Saturday she returned to her anime. Saturday evening she worked the night shift and I was scheduled to work 4am to 12pm that evening as well. I tried to get half the night shift off so I wouldn’t have to see her, but the best I could manage was the last half, meaning I’d have to spend three hours with her.

I came to work sad and that she’d rather do all that she’s done instead of spending sometime with me. She noticed and asked “what’s wrong” to which I asked “do you want to talk here?” I was just being polite cause no matter what she said, I was going to tell her how I felt. I was apprehensive of what I might find out her and Kris did, she said they did nothing. She told me to wait until next weekend to talk about it in person. She expected me to hold these rotting emotions in for a week, on the off chance that we’d get together the following weekend? Ya right!. Things got ugly, and she didn’t seem to care that I had tears in my eyes and was obviously in need of compassion. She said she still wanted my friendship so I asked if she’d like to talk after work, she said she had school work to do (she uses that as an excuse because she knows I want to see her succeed. She never actually does her school work). So, I asked if she’d like to talk after that. She said she was invited to Kris’ (ex boyfriend) for supper and that she couldn’t break it off cause she’s broken that promise once before. And after all the promises she made to me, then broke. It’s been more than two, believe me.

Anyway, to make a long story longer, I called her Monday to talk it out and she began to get insulting and being really selfish, I remained calm this time cause I didn’t want to get angry. Then after she was done ranting, I told her that we couldn’t be friends anymore, and hung up. A week passed and I went to see and therapist on Friday. He put things into perspective, I felt rejuvenated. I called her up and told her there was no reason we couldn’t be friends, she agreed but seemed quite smug about it, I don’t blame her. If someone told me they couldn’t be my friends, then came crawling back, I might feel like I had the upper hand too. When ever I’m in the wrong, I always apologize, she never does, even when she knows she’s wrong.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, I should have ended contact with her a long time ago. I believe it was my inexperience with the opposite sex, and emotions I’d never felt about anyone before, which kept me wanting to work things out. I was obsessed, I know. I still love this young lady and part of me has always blamed her sorted past for the way she’s treated me. I’ve always wanted to see her happy and I kills me to know when I’ve said something that upset her. I believe she’s clinically depressed and I’ve become depressed because of my contact with her. I know I always have the choice to leave, but my emotions won’t let her go. She’s more than a friend to me. And for the longest time we both felt like we were meant to be. Things were fine before she started telling me about her liaisons with her ex. I think she’s bipolar. Am I stupid for continually trying to help this person, after all they’ve done to me? I’m either still obsessed or my love in unconditional, I can’t tell the difference anymore. I think all this has prove that I love her more than I love myself. relationships are supposed to improve us and I've let his one bring me down. My school work has suffered cause this is all I think about. I know I must realize that she is only one many girls out there. But she was the first and things clicked so naturally that I know I'll never find someone like her. I know I helped her through her drug addiction as well as many other life threatening issues. It's so hard letting go. Zevon sang “love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun”

If you’ve taken the time to read this then THANK YOU Any input is very much appreciated.