My Support Forums - View Single Post

Indie'sOK · Jul 19, 2012, 10:27 PM

Here's the first part, you guys........it's not very long but I plan to add more.

Quote:

As is typical for me, I will start out this lengthy letter with an apology. It’s been on my mind all day. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for blurting out “Are you going to call me fat?” during our last session. I think I misconstrued what you really meant and said the first thing that came to mind. See, what I heard was that you were going to have to make me uncomfortable by telling me things I didn’t want to hear in order to really help me. Naturally, what I said was my mind’s first reaction. Pay no attention to it. I have virtually no filter between my mind and my stupid mouth. I think it runs in my dad’s side of the family (joke).
I’m trying to think of how I want to word this. The reason I’m writing this for you to read is because it’s easier to take the time to consider my response on paper rather than when I’m in session and trying to formulate my thoughts and verbalize them at the same time.
So what I’m going to do is to try and write as deeply as I can about everything surrounding my body issues. I figure if I don’t write this and instead try to bring everything to you at once in session, I’ll get too embarrassed and start to mentally “lock up” and raise my guard before I even begin telling you this stuff. At least with this I can take it slow and organize my thoughts a little bit.
I’ll just let it all go, right now. Because, honestly, I’m sick of sugar coating my feelings to try to protect you. I don’t know why I do this. But I’ll tell you what it feels like when I’m at my worst.
On good days I look in the mirror and figure I’ve done as best I can with what I’ve got. I say to myself “I’m chunky – suck it up *****” and leave for school or wherever I’m going. Bad days are different. Today was a bad day. I’ll illustrate this by imagining myself sitting in your office. Do you remember that day last winter when I wore a coat inside the building? My anxiety creates a sort of self-heating system and makes wearing a jacket completely unnecessary. I even started the session off by mentioning how warm I was, yet I didn’t want to take my coat off. When you told me it was ok, I still refused. This went on for a few minutes. I think this is the first time you really got an idea of the degree to which I loathe my body. In my mind, it was better for me to sit there in the heat than to take my coat off and reveal more of myself than I felt was acceptable. And we’re talking about my arms, for crying out loud.
Anyway, I digress. I mean to tell you what was going on in my mind while this situation played out. I sat there and looked down at myself and felt so much shame. Just so much shame. I felt yucky and unlovable, like I didn’t understand how someone could see past my appearance and consider me attractive. I feel all these things even now. I can feel my body retracting into itself as if to try to appear smaller. I think this is a natural reaction because it happens automatically. My body cannot relax when face to face with another person.