I understand u a lot - my past is blank - well at least in my mind it is - do have several protectors that stand up and stop many things but like u I so wanted friends but yet would push them away
I found an awesome church that didn't care what attitude I had or who was up - they just loved me EVEN WHEN I PUSHED them away - that blew my mind - yea, I take risks by letting people in but it is way lonelier to keep them out - I don't let EVERYBODY in but in watching and testing people - true friends (no matter what happens or what you say to them) wont leave or hurt u - slowly, my protector parts have let some in - but at times STILL push them out but TRUE friends will understand - yea, I took a risk and admitted that I was DID and had issues and that there would be days that I'd be mad, a loner, very sad, run away or be totally blank - some (not true friends) it didn't matter but to some (True friends) helped when I would switch and believe it or not (they don't think I am weird) just loved me thru hard times.
what I am saying - yes, ur protectors will keep everybody out but I got tired and fought back and took a chance of getting hurt (at first it was just by texting and emailng - then I got the courage to talk face to face and know they wouldn't laugh or leave