I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I feel completely dead and hollow on the inside. Nothing drives passion in me any more. I am going to be a junior in college and still have no idea what I want to study. I realize this is common, but it has just been really frustrating me how nothing seems to have sparked my passion yet. I like science, but am afraid it will deny me of all my creativity. I would love to do some creative art, but fear it will deny me of my desire to study science, which I am quite good at. I am just depressed at how everyone seems to be moving forward with their life, and I'm still at stage one. Thinking back on it, I was always a musician. I spent my entire teenhood playing the guitar. 10 hours a day during the summers of my high school years. I seriously thought it would be my future, and so did everyone else. While many kids at this age were developing their interests in science and other future study fields, I was dedicated to the guitar. Now, looking back at it all, I am just wondering what happened to it? Well, I just got so frustrated with not being in a band, that I just gave it up. What was the point of playing the electric guitar if I had no band to play with? This was mainly because I lived a very sheltered life, going to a small isolated private high school with no more than 60 or so students. I began to realize that being in a band was a social thing, and that playing music would involve lots of social skills, mainly knowing people. This is why I gave up on it. I had no friends in high school and life was incredibly lonely for me. It got so overwhelmingly bleak, and I started to get so depressed over this, that I eventually just started to give up on school, declining from the straight A student I had been in early high school. Then came college application time came. Great. I had sunken so low in my grades that all of my initial dream colleges were just unrealistic thoughts at this point. I did what I could. I applied to a state school, that has incredibly high acceptance rates. This has really been getting to me. All this time. My whole life. All these private schools, the private college prep high school I went to, all this talk and preparation my whole life about college, just being shot down. I felt, and still feel like a failure for this. And now I am just wondering when in my life I was supposed to choose a field to dedicate my life to. In my teen years? Well I spent those years just focusing on the guitar, a broken dream that just caved in to apathy. I am basically feeling right now that my whole life has just been a lead up to a great let down. People always tell me, how it's great that I'm in college, and how well I'm doing. I don't see it. Yes, I have been trying really hard in college, but so what? I still feel like I let myself down, and everyone else who has supported me, down. I just can't kick this apathy of mine. Nothing seems to ignite my passion. For everything that might seem remotely interesting, I just think, would I really want to dedicate my life to that and only that? And then I just run away from the idea. I feel like my life is going nowhere right now, and feel my "best" years just slipping away.