It is hard to work on our own stuff; other people/side of the fence seems more interesting or distracting. In therapy, the only distraction we have from ourselves is our T.

In my opinion, wondering what they are thinking, doing, about their lives, is just the only way we have of avoiding our own work in that situation. It is human nature to wonder (so not wrong) but going beyond that, focusing on that is usually taking action away from ourselves and what we say we want to work on.

If one is concerned because they are married, straight, gay, have children, etc. and wonder/want a therapist like themselves or that they would be comfortable with; one expresses to the therapist, "I wonder if you are married, straight, gay, have children, etc. because I think I would be most comfortable with someone like myself. . ." and discusses that.

The thing about disclosure/non disclosure for me is that it does not matter; either way one has the "same" problem; the T discloses/does not disclose enough about themselves for me. That shows me that it's not the disclosure/non disclosure but my own response to it that I need to work with.

With my T, I did not ask questions, was very much don't ask/don't tell because I use the desire to know in myself to regulate how close/distant I keep another. Acknowledging I want to know (to myself and/or the other) makes me feel I have brought the person closer; researching the person on my own, does not necessarily feel like an acknowledging and the information feels like mine. However, wanting to know and researching without acknowledging to myself what I am doing means I can never get enough of the other, because the actual other is not allowed to be part of me and mine, part of the equation.

There are no shortcuts or controls to interacting with another. If I want intimacy, I have to ask for and accept intimacy or it does not happen at any level. And, in my world, imagination (being in my head) does not take the place of intimacy, as much as I would like it to. The opposite, demanding intimacy of another without acknowledging the other's "self"/actions (wanting to know about someone's private life as it they are a character in a movie or book, not a real person with desires of their own) does not seem to work either.