my onset was age nine. Yeah.. Oh Yeah I felt different. Worthless and repulsive is how I felt about myself. I stopped caring about myself too. drugs, alcohol, ugh. I had no limits. I have always felt like I was "behind" everyone else in terms of development. Still do today. It's like everyone else just "got it" when I was still trying to figure things out. I have recently decided to let it go though. To try again. I would go through bouts of trying, and ultimately failing, and then giving up. But today, I choose to try again regardless. At some point I think I have to have caught up developmentally!

But yes, I COMPLETELY AND FULLY understand what broken really is! Growing up I plunged myself into my fantasies, making myself out to be the hero that no one realized until my 'big event'. I learned to change my thinking to fit the situation, mastering rationalization. I grew cold, convincing myself I didn't care. I was extremely self destructive and very suicidal as a teen. I didn't care and I pushed myself to see where my limits were. I hurt myself emotionally, physically and mentally just to prove that others could not do it as good as I could. It made me feel as if I was powerful, not them.

It really stirs inside of me still, when I think of that. Broken? I will always be broken. But I choose to be optimistic today. I choose to be in the moment. I would rather cry at this point than to submerse myself back into my fantasies to make myself feel better. I want to live in what's real now. I want to face how I feel now rather than run from it.

I'm sorry that you feel broken. I completely understand. I'll listen if you need to vent.