special k - yeh i'm seriously considering moving away from my ex .. for other reasons than drugs, but it might help not having it readily available.
i've actually just enrolled in a course.. commercial cookery.. which is ironic seeing as i have an eating disorder.. not at all bad.. i *love* to cook. i'd love to work, something i enjoy somewhat doing, but i really have no experience as i've been a stay at home mum since i was 17.. fresh out of school, i didnt even finish my HSC. i really agree with you that i can't just stop and white knuckle it.. i have to find something else to fill my time.. even if i still do have a few cones .. i just don't want it to rule my life.
what would i like to be doing with my time? .. wow.. thats a hard one.. i guess i like cooking.. i write poetry and stories (i actually won a comp for a very short story i wrote recently! ) occasionally, and i like to design stuff.. so i have come a long way since i was really depressed and didn't know who the f*** i was!

Camilla - i am sure we will become good friends
its so good to know that i'm not alone .. we are actually 'freakily' alike haha

special k - yep, i have a counselor.. she's actually more concerned about my eating atm.. but she did have a go at trying to get me into rehab..
HA! she seems more focused on telling me what is 'wrong' with me than actually teaching me alternative coping strategies.. i don't think she has ever suggested one! maybe its time to get a new counselor.. i am really good at depression.. i've recently cut out my meds cold turkey, and havent been half as bad as when i was prescribed them.. i know all about self talk and how thoughts lead to feelings, which leads to behaviour rada rada...
i have seen a d+a counselor... and she was most ineffective.. she was more concerned about getting me into rehab.. (which after my post natal depression, and the way i felt i 'owed' my daughters .. it wasn't gunna happen) than helping me sort throught *why* i felt the need to use..
yeh your spot on that they're a 'quick fix' .. wish i could get past that.. and i fully know how depressing pot can be.. i was told by my very trusted doc that i *needed* to at least cut down to get over my depression... which i really honestly think i'm over.. .. if only i could give up my destructive coping 'strategies' .. i'd be laughing

~M