hey.

yeah, i honestly think that moving away from your ex would help. that not having it readily available would help. that moving in with people who don't use would help. that those people might be able to help you by modelling alternative ways of coping too.

that is great about the course! commercial cookery sounds awesome! i can't cook for crap. i'd suggest you move in with me ;-) i think it is great that you are doing that. you could end up with your own cafe or restaraunt or something like that. it gives you something to be doing with your days, and something to be thinking about with your nights. writing is pretty cool too :-) sounds like you do have stuff that you want to be doing. using drugs... can dull ones passion for such things... can kill ones motivation for such things...

at least... that is what i found in my experience. it came down to a choice between pursuing my passion and using 24/7. when it came down to that my passion won out and i only used a little to help me get to sleep and on weekends when i had some time off. recreational use. not using all the time. ironic thing is that i thought i needed to stop using before i could persue my passion. i did drug treatments etc but never managed to give it up untill... i persued my passion. when my passion conflicted with my desire to use my passion one out. stopping using wasn't so hard once i had my passion to do. that is my experience... everyone is different... but i guess that is why i suggest moving away from users and engrossing oneself in something that one is passionate about. it worked for me basically. that is what worked when the drug treatments and programs and meetings failed.

sounds like you have come a long way just in identifying those things that are important to you :-) just identifying them can be a huge battle, i understand that.

eating disorders can be hard (i've heard). if anything i guess i tend to binge... but i've heard that people with more restrictive or binging / purging disorders often tend to become involved in food preperation so i guess it isn't so unusual.

it is a shame that she is more interested in telling you what is wrong with you than in teaching you alternatives :-( i mean... i guess you know there are problems already - and that is why you are in therapy. nobody likes others to tell them what is 'wrong'. i have a lot of sympathy with how that feels :-( have you thought of saying to her 'i know i have problems that is why i'm here. there isn't much good in telling me what is wrong with me i know that already and that is why i'm here. the reason i come is to figure out ways of sorting that out. so... what do you suggest?' instructing yourself to 'stoppit' tends to be counter productive... sounds like you could benefit from a chat with your t to help you figure out some alternatives to using.

you could have a think about the kinds of situations that tend to trigger you to use.
how you feel and stuff...
whether it is around availability, or how you are feeling, or whatever.
to figure out alternative ways of coping with how you are feeling etc.

regarding the thoughts -> feelings -> behaviours that is only some instances (and those are the instances CBT therapists and councellors tend to focus on).
sometimes it goes feelings -> thoughts.
in which case challenging thoughts doesn't help particularly.
in those cases...
relaxation...
mindfulness meditation...
self soothing...
acting ones way into feeling different...
are more productive than attempting to challenge thoughts that you only envoke when your therapist requires you to justify your feelings. sometimes feelings can be generated internally by physiological changes and / or unconscious triggers. in such situations cognitive restructuring (challenging 'faulty' thinking) isn't likely to help...

i found those strategies helpful...
harder to implement than the quick fix admittedly...
but if you practice them they become easier to implement
and if you practice them then they do become feasible alternatives without the consequence of the low after the high or the debt after the high etc. maybe you could suggest them to your t?