Hi I think I can help join the dots for you as I'm learning assertion when it somes to being a leader in my work environment

think of a line
On one end is passive
On the other end is aggressive
Most people think that you get assertion in the middle of the line but that is not the case
What you get is passive aggressive.
To add assertion to this picture think of a point above the line that is not connected to it. Basically implying that it is above the line of passive-passive aggressive- aggressive behaviours

So to be truly passive these are some of the signs:
is afraid to speak up
speaks softly
avoids looking at people
shows little or no expression
slouches and withdraws
isolates self from groups
agrees with others, despite feelings
values self less than others
hurts self to avoid hurting others
does not reach goals and may not know goals
Bottom line is that "You're okay, BUT I'm not"

Okay?

So then lets look at Aggressive
Interrupts and talks over others
speaks loudly
glares and stares at others
intimidates others with expressions
stands rigidly, crosses arms, invades others space
controls groups
only considers own feelings, and/or demands others
values self more than others
hurts others to avoid being hurt
reaches goals but hurts others in the process
Bottom line message is "I'm okay but you're not"

Passive aggression is the blending of both of these lists

So I'm thinking if you have an alter that is like this it can confuse you especially if your in the background watching what's happening but can't stop it.... try and think of this when this emotion/attitude/behaviour exhibits itself. I truly believe that the alters/EP's are parts that have no assertion because we were not allowed or were trampled on by our experiences and those doing those things that we could not develop assertion

Assertion is a freeing experience it does not make you feel guilty (for want of a better word afterwards) and this is how I want to ultimately be.

Assertion is:
Speaks openly
Uses a conversational tone
Makes good eye contact
Shows expressions that match the message
Relaxes and adopts an open posture and expressions
Participates in groups
Speaks to the point
Values self equal to others
Tries to hurt no one (including self)
Usually reaches goals without alienating others
The bottom line message is "I'm okay, your okay"

I watched a documentary called Kumare you've probably heard of it as I watch this movie I saw a person who exhibited these signs Vikram Ghandi who said that Kumare was his "ideal self". Eventhough in the beginning of the documentary he was doing this experiment to tell society that "Gurus" are basically narcissitic/delusional persons stealing your money however as he pretended to be Kumare you could see that he was feeling like a fraud however he treated his "followers" with dignity and he was honest when dropping hints that he is a fraud and yet his followers didn't catch on I won't ruin the ending but how he came out to his followers was truly heart felt and I felt very sensitive to his "followers" delicate psychological processes.

If you can and your feeling philosophical watch this movie too.

I respect how you feel Claritytoo I feel at times what you have felt and I undestand how scary it is when a state like that comes over you and you can't stop it.
I hope that this has helped and I hope you don't feel that I was being to condescending because that is not my intention.
Kind regards
Lou