I had a REALLY, REALLY crappy annual review at work today.

Met with my young, inexperienced, girl who just became a manager even though this is her first real job and she's only had it for less than 4 years.

I was not fired or put on probation, but I was told that things can't continue this way.

Confiding in her about my bipolar will NOT work. I know this now, after the review. I'm afraid she'll be one of those bosses who fires me for it but uses another reason.

A lot of the negative things in my review are due to the bipolar, but I couldn't tell her that.

Along with many terrible things she told me about myself and my performance, she said that she caught me nodding off, catching myself, and waking myself up during a couple of meetings. This happened not long after I was hired, back when she was not my supervisor.

The nodding off was due to my sleep apnea, and I was nodding off because the machine I wear each night so I can breathe while I sleep was in need of some maintenance. I didn't know this yet because I had not yet had my appointment with those specialists and doctors. Once I had the appointment, they gave me a loaner machine while mine was gone for service, and I've been doing great. No nodding off at work.

Yet she remembers this all these months later.

When she brought this up, I said, "Yes, but that's because I have sleep apnea."

She interrupted me and said, "That doesn't matter. So-and-so also has sleep apnea, but he doesn't fall asleep at work. Look, I'm not going to argue about medical conditions. The bottom line is we're all here to perform our jobs."

It is difficult for me to follow directions. One of the people who has been training me started writing out directions in detail. This has really helped me and, from what I understand, is often helpful for other bipolar people.

She used that against me in this evaluation. She said it wasted my coworker's time to create that step-by-step guide for me to use and I need to do my work without those kindsd of helpers.

Wouldn't that be classified as reasonable accomodations to help me do my job, if I were to come forward with the bipolar diagnosis?

There are too many things to go into more detail here. Brand new employees have zoomed past me and are being praised. I don't follow directions, I miss deadlines, I don't take ownership of my projects, I don't understand the techy side of the job. Yet she said I listen effectively and always ask questions.

I just sat there thinking, "Geez. I didn't think I was THAT bad at this job, but I really don't have the energy to care enough to turn into the most valuable employee."

I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself in some ways right now, but on the other hand I've always been an entrepreneur at heart and this is a wake-up call and reminder that I never intended to stay at this job for very long. I had intended to stay maybe 2 years while I build up my own business on the side, and then quit the job once my own business actually brings in enough money to do so.

She did give me great scores on my communication skills, getting along with others, and all that stuff. Most of it is because, while manic for a good while, I was the department party planner and had several events to try to get everyone to get to know each other better.

I hit a depressed spell and, next thing I knew, they had taken my party planning role away and gave it to this little ***** that I work with.

Enough babbling from me for the night!

Just wanted to share my lovely review and the fact that I'm even more hesitant about sharing the bipolar diagnosis.

Several people on this forum suggested I check into short-term and long-term disability insurance here at work. I do have it and they would pay a pretty good hunk of my salary if I were off for a while. I've printed the info and will review it. Might be a good time to see if I can get my doctor to get me a few weeks off. My regular MD is still trying to get me in to see a psychologist. My MD felt it would be easier to get a psychologist and then get in with a psychiatrist. Difficult to get appointments with either around here lately.

P.S. I think I'm still a little manic because I bought a Kindle Fire online, bought an expensive new purse and organized everything in it (I'm a very disorganized person), I've been shopping for rental houses and apartments and ALMOST put down a big deposit on one but caught myself, I was able to jump out of bed this morning at 6:30 and made it to work by 7:30 (usually get here a few minutes until 9:00), and I've been cleaning my house like I'm on a marathon.

FOOTNOTE: My grown son and I were about ready to make the decision to move in order to be out from under my controlling, narcissistic mother's thumb (since she owns the house we live in). But with this terrible review, I'm nervous about leaving. Renting something comparable will take about $300 more per month, plus moving expenses.