I’ve only been to therapy twice. This past session, my therapist told me to come up with some goals for next time. As long as I’ve felt the need to go to therapy, I’ve never thought really of what I want the result to be. I just knew I wanted to improve my self. Right now I’m sitting trying to think, but I always feel better when I write things down. Are these too many goals? Are they too vague? Are they reasonable? What do you think? Sorry it is so long...

Issue #1: When I am in the presence of an argument, whether it be verbal or virtual (in a chatroom), I panic. I shake, breathing becomes difficult, my heart races, and I can’t think straight. This kind of goes back to the fact that my parents have always argued a lot and quite loudly. They love each other, but they have a lot of trouble communicating. As a child, this can be traumatic, so it is no wonder that I get a bit antsy around conflict.
Goal #1: I want to be in control of my response to conflict. I want to be able to tell myself that I will be ok in the situation and actually believe it.

Issue #2: I am a perfectionist. I want to be perfect in everything I do. I feel like if I do something that isn’t perfect, then it’s not good enough and it is a failure. I’m a musician. Musicians are not perfect. It is rare that a musician can play something and it be absolutely perfect, but I want to be. In social situations I feel as though I’m playing a character rather than experiencing it myself. If I don’t know what to say, or I stumble on my words, then It’s not perfect. If someone doesn’t like me or what I’m saying, then I’m not perfect. If I forget something, then I’m a failure. My hair has to be perfectly straight and if there is a single blemish on my face, then I feel hideous. I also have a few odd tendencies of doing things a certain numbe of times. With soap, towel dispensers, shampoo, or anything like that, I have to do it three times. If three isn’t enough then I do it five times. I don’t know why I do this. It just doesn’t feel perfect if I don’t.
Goal #2: I want to be ok with being less than perfect. I want to be able to look at myself or something that I have done and feel like it is good enough. I don’t want to be so hard on myself, because perfect is impossible.

Issue #3: Sometimes I get in these moods for a few days or weeks where I’m just stuck under a rain cloud. Everything that has ever done wrong or made me sad seems to pop into my head during times like this. I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel as if life is pointless and I’ve never done anything worth while and I’m just heading towards a dead end. I don’t want to be sad. It doesn’t feel right. I feel like I can’t do anything right and don’t even feel like trying. I would usually be doing something with music or art, but when I’m like this, it’s like all my creative juices have been drained and anything I create is just less than what I am. My art when I’m like this doesn’t even look the same. Also when I am like this, my mom is constantly telling me to stop shrugging my shoulders and asking why I look so glum, but I never have a reason, so I can’t tell her anything.
Goal #3: I want to be able to snap out of these moods. I do not want to feel like negative thoughts have control over me when I’m like this. I want to be able to function. I don’t want people to see me and see the sadness.

Issue #4: Sometimes I get into other moods for a few days or weeks where I feel like I have to be going non-stop. If I’m not doing anything, then I NEED to be doing something. I doodle like crazy. My art is all over the place. I want to make music and perform so badly! I record videos for YouTube. I’m also extremely productive during these times. I get stuff done, I’m outgoing, I’m silly, I want to go do stuff, I want to go shopping, and I will talk your head off! The problem with all of this is, eventually I run out of stuff to do, but I still want to do more! I feel like if I’m doing nothing then I’m doing something terribly wrong and I feel like I’m going to explode. I also can’t get to sleep, because I feel like that isn’t productive.
Goal #4: I want to be able to relax when I am like this. I want to be able to do nothing and be ok with it. I want to be able to go to sleep at night without feeling like I’m wasting valuable time doing so.

Issue#5: I get extremely nervous in social situations. I feel like I am going to do something wrong! Restaurants make me nervous. Stores make me nervous. Movie theaters make me nervous. Phone call make me EXTRA nervous. I avoid phone calls at all costs, which can be very inconvenient sometimes. Going out with my boyfriend become difficult, because I want to go out sometimes, but going places takes away from being with him because of my nerves. I hate it! I just feel like I’m going to do something bad or embarrassing.
I wanted to make this a separate issue/goal, but I don’t like the number 6, because it’s not three or a multiple of five Anyway… A lot of times in crowded social situations, I get overwhelmed and just completely zone out. It is as if there is a fog between me and reality and I’m just sitting in my brain watching the world while I’m on some sort of trippy autopilot. When I get like this, it is very difficult to snap out of it and be in the moment. Looking back when it is all over, it’s just a blur.
Goal #5: I want to be comfortable in social situations. I don’t want to be afraid of doing something wrong. I want to be able to stay in the moment.