okay so probably this is a good thing therapy-wise...
i want to see my t
i feel very small
i want to see my t
i don't feel all that much attached to her...
but i wish i was as small as i feel
i would jump into her arms and throw my arms around her neck
and burrow my face into her neck
and hold on tight hold on so tight
i just feel small and alone right now
and i wish i could see her
i wish i could do that
i know i can't do that
but i wish i could see her...
i rang her up yesterday to try and change the appoitment time...
she had the day off.
i rang her up today to try and change the appoitment time...
she had the day off.
is she okay?
is she sick?
is she okay?

i have been having a little bit of email correspondance with a former t...
she said...
sometimes i come across as aloof and fairly terrifying.
i figured it was her transference stuff...
but i guess i've never been that great at letting people know how i feel... t's in particular (i guess i'm not that intimate with anyone else irl)
but i'm not so good at it.

the t who is the person i value the most...
when she was leaving...
she said 'do you want to talk about it'
and i would close my eyes and shake my head and change the topic
and she would bring it up again closer to the time she was going
and i would do the same thing
and she said 'is it that you don't really feel anything about it? are you looking forward to my going?'
and she looked a bit hurt
and i felt horrified
i closed my eyes and blurted that i really didn't want to talk about her going cause it hurt too much and i really wanted to keep working with her but i know i couldn't and i was dealing with it but it was hard and please can we talk about something else
and she looked at me a little strangely and said okay

so t probably thinks i don't like her
i don't appreciate her
i don't care that i'm not seeing her for close to one month
and when she puts that out there...
(implicitly)
i think she doesn't like me doesn't want to see me
so i withdraw even more
and the situation spirals...

but i wish i could throw my arms around her neck and cry
i wish i could tell her
i wonder if sh ewould let me email her
email is easier
with this kind of stuff
IRL i can't do it
shame shame shame shame shame
i can't do it