I am VERY much exhausted with living. I have felt that way since I was about 8 yrs old. My college years were a little better and I thought I could have a purpose in life. But now being in my 40's without any children... IDK. I just feel heavy on the inside all the time. Not sad. Not even depressed. Just very exhausted.

When T is around, I keep feeling like I need to try harder to find whatever I need. He asks me that all the time, "What do you need?" But I just don't have an answer. Well, I never did before. I thought about it a TON this week with him being gone. The only thing I feel I really NEED that there is just no way to get for myself in this world, where we have to live- keep our friendships alive, keep our relationships intact, keep our jobs, and stay connected with family, is space and time.

I feel like I need to go away where I don't have to talk to anyone. Where I don't have to worry about saying to wrong thing at work. Where I don't have to worry about telephone calls from family informing me of wrecks

*** ((( My mom called a few hours ago and told me that my older half sister's daughter (my half neice) was in a serious motercycle accident today. She is in the hospital and they are trying to save her leg right now. ))) ***

No matter how far away from my family I move, I still care about them and things like this hurt. I just want to be far enough away so I don't hurt any more in my heart. At least for a vacation - a break. I want to wake up just ONE day where I experience JOY that day at being alive rather that dread over what is going to happen in that day.

I keep going to therapy because I keep hoping my mind state is mostly PTSD stuff and if I am able to work through that, maybe the joy will be there. They say joy is what is left when all sorrow is removed.

Yes. Right now I am in trouble. I am in very serious trouble and I know that. But I have to be the one choosing to swim this time. My T can't swim for me. I just really do hope I can get my act together and get whatever I need in healthy ways before it is too late. I can't chose to swim unless I want to swim. Right now I don't want to swim any longer. I haven't for a while now and really not at all in the past month.

But my legs are still kicking at the water and my hands still slapping the waves as I peddle on... Maybe if I just keep swimming, the desire to swim will come back to me.