hey. she doesn't have to email me back... it is just a way of letting me say some stuff... stuff that i can't possibly say irl. the t i really liked... one thing we had was an arrangement where she would give me her file notes. then i could say 'oh you interpreted me in that way but this is what i was really trying to get at'. it is amazing how many misunderstandings we managed to clear up that way... she would write in my file that i seemed flat and depressed for example, and i would say that i felt fine really i was just a little nervous about a test i had to take an hour after therapy so i was trying really hard to regulate my mood (hence it came across as flat / non responsive). little misunderstandings... i need those kinds of frank talks. helps me to be aware of how others are likely to interpret me. i need to learn that. i feel like people don't like me mostly... i don't understand the signals that i put out... they think i don't like them and the spiral begins. happens irl too. need a t to help me figure out what i'm doing wrong...

i know that i'll always have to do self care. i know that i'll always have to practice the skills too. i know that the memories / ruminations will never vanish entirely (in fact if they did then i think that might be me abandoining little me if that makes sens.e.. i don't think i could let that happen...)

but smaller memories yeah. i have a little. shared about th voices a little. she interpreted. she mis interpreted. i just said 'no i don't think so'... but she kept on and i just kind of went 'mmm'. the next week... she apologised though. said she thought she was pushing too hard to put her understanding on my life... that encouraged me to share a little more... to explain a little more why i didn't agree so much with her...

i don't know.

i feel so tired... thanks for your response.