Lots of good responses here. WOW! Sorry I don't have anything else to add. but wow.

On the other side of things I can see how you could be allured by T's fantasy. Your marriage is in a state that needs attention and you have a spouse that's not into doing the work it seems.

My husband and I went to marriage therapy and it took me THREE YEARS to get him to go to therapy. And during those three years I spent time talking about how helpless and hopeless I felt with T1 because my husband wasn't interested in getting help.

What got my husband to marriage therapy? I put it too him this way: "I am 98% not in this marriage anymore. We either see a therapist or an attorney it's YOUR CHOICE." And I'm still married and much happier. there's still work to do but we aren't in crisis.