My T is on vacation and I don't see him until the middle of August. We left things last week with a very honest and open talk about our relationship. He is encouraging my attachment (I think) and is trying to make the relationship and our work as safe as possible before we start the trauma work. He has asked for me to email him with journal entries while he is away. He won't be responding (and maybe not reading them). Usually when I email he responds pretty quickly, so I'm missing that support.

Last night I had a really bad experience with dissociating. I was writing about some really tough stuff that happened to me when I was 18. I read it to my husband and he got concerned that I was focusing on it. I said it's okay, because I am numb. We were sitting outside in the dark afterwards and I was really spaced out. I went to bed and was laying there and I starting have body memories and couldn't stop thinking about the incident from my past. My arms and shoulders were not attached to my body and it was like I was floating right above myself, sort of like I was laying on top of myself. My whole body felt like it was vibrating inside.

It was scary, and I felt even more scared because I know my T is not close by. If I really needed him, he is away somewhere. Tears were falling and I couldn't articulate what was happening. My husband brought me water, and a stuffed animal. He tried to bring me back into myself.

It's hard that my T is gone for so long. We have only been together a few months but he is so safe to me (finally). I emailed him what happened but know I won't get a response until he gets back. That's difficult, because we email each other almost every day.