It's frustrating because I don't mean to hurt the people around me. I feel so guilty that I haven't been what they needed and I end up taking it all out on myself so they don't have to deal with the brunt of it. Validation of such actions is never the correct thing to do.

I have an appt with the pdoc in a week and a half, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it that long without doing more SI. I didn't for so many years while I just blocked everyone and everything out, but along came a girl who made me feel and love again, only to make a hasty exodus from my life when things got hard. She said she would go back to see me if I agreed to go to the doc, but continued to distance herself even after I made the appointment.

The pain from that, the betrayal andthe feeling like she is ignoring me has made me hurt so much. The only thing I know how to do is turn that meantal and heart pain into something real. I don't like how I feel afterward, and my problems are still there. It doesn't do anything at all but I can't help myself.

It's hard to try to get better when your life is a shambles and what feels like the easiest way to "fix" it is that big bottle of sleeping pills on the counter. I don't know if I'm that suicidal yet, but it doesn't matter, the pdoc is a week and a half away and I don't even know if I can make it that long.

I'm sorry for the rant, i'm just frustrated and trying to bandage up before leaving for work.