this whole weekend felt just horrible. i couldn't get in touch with anyone... there were some sad things going on which i couldn't be a part of to lend my support... and i've just been absorbed with drawing things on my computer, whcih i keep telling myself is a constructive thing to do... but it just really seems like it is the only way i can stay out of bed. and even so i am still in bed for a few hours each day.

working on my web and creating gifs has been interfering with my sleep schedule but if i stop and try to tak e that energy to do something else... ANYTHING else... just pay ONE FREAKIN BILL and get it in the mail ro make ONE phone call to a credit company... or even just tryo to get outside if the weather is nice... go for a ride or just open the door and breathe a little bit. but the moment I try any fo that i just end up back in bed. and working on my website i do think is better than being in bed the WHOLE day.

my "positive" list of things are all like "i washed my dishes once last week" or "i stayed out of bed one day last week" and i know those are good things but they are all one-shots and i by now i just really like something that would "stick" even just a sign like being able to spend more time out of bed each week. instead i'll spend a whole week in bed and then the next week my "good" list will be that i spent one day out again.

i know it is a slow process but it doesn't feel like a process. it feels like i am barely treading water. this weekend i went back to the strong overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and depression that makes getting through the day so difficult.

------------------------------------
-- http://www.idexter.com