I'm hesitant to share for some reason. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm still scared to be completely *open* here. So forgive me for being so obtuse.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a very nice neuropsychiatrist because I have an unexplained movement disorder and I would like for someone to explain it to me and help it go away, if possible. I left with a potential diagnosis, but nothing solid. I shared it with my therapist--thinking she would voice some skepticism--but she was all, "He's right. Let's look it up, shall we?" Then she whipped out her trusty copy of the DSM and went over the criteria with me, telling me which ones were me "all over".

Part of me feels...strange. I don't know what emotion I feel, so maybe someone can help me. It's apparent to me that she knew all along. For four years, I've been going from doctor to doctor, pushed along by her to find answers, and only getting really bad news (like, I may have a neurodegenerative disorder). Lots of tears have been shed and money spent. And all the while, my therapist--the only person who inhabits my day-to-day life--had a strong suspicion about what could be going on. She told me she didn't want to say anything because most people are diagnosed in childhood and she doesn't work with kids, so she wasn't 100% sure. But still, she knew and she didn't tell me or anyone else. Not even my shrink, who maybe doesn't know me well enough to make that judgment.

But I can't be mad because I don't even agree with the diagnosis! I know I'm an eccentric person--which is why accepting my personality disorder diagnosis wasn't difficult to do. But while the diagnosis makes perfect sense and I don't blame anyone for drawing this conclusion, I am having a hard time accepting it. My mind keeps arguing with itself and the things I'd imagine she'd say.

So I'm very confused, and it hasn't helped that I haven't seen her in two weeks. I sent her some desperate emails and she gave me some suggestions for how to handle my distress, with promises about everything working out in my life. But I don't know if I should believe her. If it's not a big deal, why wouldn't she tell me? I'm also scared that this is it. She's about to fire me. That will bring much pain and sadness.