Hi pbutton. I'm feeling okay today. No more of what happened the other night.

T said to me that I have had an inordinate amount of loss for someone my age. I never thought that. It's weird having someone tell you how horrible the things you have been through are while you have been minimizing it your whole life.
He has made such a safe space for me to finally let myself grieve and feel. It's almost like I had permission to allow myself to heal and now he's gone and I don't know how to continue. Or how to just stop the process until he get's back.

In our last session he didn't want to talk about the abuse because he's going to be gone for so long so we discussed how much I fear losing him. I am disgusted at myself for this fear and for wanting any sort of dependance on someone. He said no matter what I say, feel, or do he will not leave me. Even if I can't afford it. That's really comforting but at the same time it's creating such a huge attachment that I've never really had. Not a healthy one anyway. I never had anyone I could rely as a child and beyond that I felt safe to have my emotions contained with. It's almost like he is enabling such a strong attachment and wants it to happen. I wonder if that's normal?

So, he wants me to 'keep the emails' coming. So I can reach out and he can understand me better. I feel horrible and beat myself up for every email I send. But he always responds with how happy he is that I emailed him. It's confusing. I don't understand it. I don't read about T's wanting their client to email as a form of journaling. Isn't that putting a lot of pressure and demands on the T?

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. I really need a map with how to deal with all this.