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Forgive77 · Jul 23, 2012, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genesis2012

Hello all,

foregiveness is on my mind a lot at the moment, especially forgiving myself, making amends etc...

My father was really emotionally abusive to me and I'm just beginning to understand the effect this has had on my life. I was also bullied at school (I was a little bit more feminine than the other boys, thoughtful, intelligent, creative,) the bullying went on for maybe 8 - 10 years till I left high school.

Anyway, I know we pay a price for this happening and I grew up a bit ****ed up, but didn't realise how much.

What I want to say is that I ****ed with people as well and caused some people a lot of pain - I'm finding it difficult to see myself as anything other than a worthless ****, I know I have have to accept that I'm a mess and messed up people do messed up things.

I was able to forgive my father, he killed himself when I was 12 - my mother also has BPD, she was always too scared to tell me about it. I only found out because one morning last year I woke up one morning with the thought that I only had my mums word on how my father died (she told me he died in a car accident) I confronted her and she told me that he killed himself, if I hadn't had the thought to ask her I would probably still not know. Now I understand that he was really screwed up and like I said earlier, messed up people do messed up things.

I don't think I did anything as bad as has been done to me but I feel guilt and shame for the things I have done and want to put things right.

Has anyone else been through this process, how did you do it?

Just on my mind and would be happy to hear some feedback.

Hi! My name is Forgive!! LOL I chose the name due to these issues.

One...you have to know if the things you have done are really messed up, or if that's what people just want you to believe.

I have sent out scathing e-mails to my inlaws....the huge reaction wasn't right, but I wasn't wrong about them! Do you get what I'm saying? You have to think about what you did...do what I call a 'crazy check', take a poll on if what you have done is really that messed up. There are only so many things that are evil...have you killed someone? Are you a sexual predator, do you steal? Or....do you just blow the heck up when someone rejects you? If it's the last one.....don't hate yourself. Esp if you didn't beat anyone down over it.

There are evil things in this world for sure....but being needy, and screaming isn't evil. It may not be perfect...but it isn't evil.

I have spent the last two years thinking I'm the one who is evil, and soaking it in because my inlaws are non confrontational. If that's the case for you...don't soak it in as being screwed up. You're just emotional and you care. With my inlaws the thing I had to learn was not to care, and suck in all their judgement. I am slowly becoming aware that they much be messed up too, and although my delivery might not be great...and that's all I should apologize for...that they can actually do harmful things..despite how perfect they think they are.

But....if you have stolen from people, physicaly hurt people, and you know the rest...then apologize and make things right...otherwise...forgive yourself..don't wait for them to forgive you...and move on.

Some people are unforgiving, and you can't wait for them!