everyone in this sub-forum seems so nice and helpful, i thought i'd put myself out there and see what happens. i'm never comfortable reaching out like this (or socializing in general), so i'm a bit scared. also, i apologize if this post is ridiculously long, but while i've lurked and responded to posts here and there, i never really said hi and and introduced myself. still learning the rules of social contact. so it goes.

brief history:
34 y/o male, hospitalized last year with my first psychotic episode. the voices i heard frightened me so much i voluntarily went. then i voluntarily signed myself out because they put me on a drug and alcohol unit when i didn't have an issue with either. since then, i've been in and out of therapy and in and out of seeing p-docs trying to pin down a diagnosis. so far it's been bipolar 1 and 2 (even though I've never been manic), major depression w/ psychosis, PTSD (thanks mom and dad), and others. end result was a recent diagnosis of schizoaffective about 2 months ago, and a working diagnosis of Asperger's.

yesterday i was in pretty bad shape. i won't list all my symptoms but the paranoia was off the charts. normally i think just about everyone is an agent of the government either put there to spy on my or ruin my life, but this time i was accusing my wife (whom I don't really get along with anyway) and my kids (who are 3 and 5) of being spies and trying to get me locked away. i was also convinced i was supposed to leave home with whatever i could carry and become some kind of wandering vagabond. all of this, of course, is because the shadowy figures i hallucinate put the thoughts in my head or speak directly into my head. and what complicates this even more is that i know none of it's real, except when the psychosis is happening it's all too real. only after the stress passes can i realize how goofy everything was. so in the end, i really have no idea what's real or what's not anymore.

i'm on meds. and i take them like i'm supposed to. i'm a good boy and do what i'm told because i want to get better. except i don't like my therapist because she scolds me and interrupts when i'm talking and makes me feel like i'm talking to my mother. but i can't be sure if i'm interpreting things correctly. i want a new T, but not sure if i should.

my wife and i do not get along. we never really have. i have no interest in her and not sure why. did i ever? i have no idea. we edge closer and closer toward divorce every day. she's threatened me with divorce at least a dozen times and also tried calling the cops to have me taken out of the house. i recently talked to a lawyer and disclosed everything, even my diagnosis, to see where i stood, and thankfully he said my diagnosis (so long as i'm compliant w/ treatment) will have no bearing on any divorce proceedings. i just want to be left alone. but at the same time i'm scared to death of change and of being on my own. i'm afraid of what might happen to me if i'm alone in an apartment somewhere without someone to at least check on me. i don't want to wind up being one of the tragic cases you read about on the news. so i want to leave my family, get partial custody of my kids, but don't have the guts to do it. and every time i try to save money for an apartment, something happens and the money disappears into family expenditures.

sorry, i told you this would be long.

i go to a place called Penn Foundation, which is nice. it's like wal-mart for mental health. one stop shopping. i can get p-docs, therapists, social workers, case managers, etc. all in one location. i called their crisis line last night because i wanted to avoid the hospital at all costs. i'm not above going in voluntary, but i'll be damned if i really want to. i don't think anyone wants to be hospitalized. so they said increase my risperdal to 3mg and see what's what after about a week.

but i'm on the edge of my seat, ready to claw my way out of reality and into the fabric of real nuttiness. i have one awesome friend who tries so hard to keep me grounded, but i feel like an unnecessary burden on her. she doesn't complain or seem to mind, but i hate telling her constantly how awful i feel or how bad i'm doing. she cheered me on though when i said i wasn't going to hospital. so maybe she's a really great friend.

and then there's the issue that i work as a registered nurse in a nursing home. i can barely hold it together at work, and here i am in charge of 35 people's everyday health needs. i take constant smoke breaks to clear my head and have trouble getting the work done. i haven't made any mistakes yet that hurt anyone, thankfully. but walking the halls and having the shadows stick murderous thoughts in my heads about some of the patients isn't very comforting. i want to quit before i get fired, but i doubt they'll fire me since they're so starved for nurses. but i just can't handle the stress of the job or the workload. i just want a simple job, a simple life, as free of stress as much as humanly possible. but i have no backup plan. i loved doing maintenance for apartments, and want to go back to doing handyman stuff like that. it was easier, less stressful, but pays significantly less than nursing (and I have two kids that need to be taken care of).

i've rambled enough. i'm just in a bad place with too much going on and no outlet. i had to vent, so thanks for reading. i hope everything was coherent. i just don't know what to do with myself. i have a hard enough time making simple decisions, but life-changing decisions are even harder.

thanks.