I had my session today and I asked T about this. He said he follows the client's lead. He said that I (sunrise) know if saying the words silently to the boy (instead of out loud to the boy) is enough to heal. Since I said it was, he believes me. He said he never wants to be the narcissistic type of therapist who believes he knows better than the client. He said the client is the authority on what is healing for them. (To clarify, T did hear my words himself, but it was speaking them directly to the boy in T's presence that I was unable to do without disintegrating--kind of like an empty chair with no chair or a role play with no partner.) I told T that I just couldn't speak the words to the boy without dissolving in his office and he respected my wish to feel things at a level of containment that is right for me. He says he would never push. I asked him if he remembered this moment from the last session and he said yes, which made me feel good.

Since last session, I have once again come into contact with the boy, something that I did not think would happen. Things seem OK. I haven't felt triggered or re-traumatized, but I've been a little protective of myself, and also the situation is not as inherently traumatic as before. I am glad I got the chance to see the boy again instead of having only this extreme memory of him.