Hello all,

foregiveness is on my mind a lot at the moment, especially forgiving myself, making amends etc...

My father was really emotionally abusive to me and I'm just beginning to understand the effect this has had on my life. I was also bullied at school (I was a little bit more feminine than the other boys, thoughtful, intelligent, creative,) the bullying went on for maybe 8 - 10 years till I left high school.

Anyway, I know we pay a price for this happening and I grew up a bit ****ed up, but didn't realise how much.

What I want to say is that I ****ed with people as well and caused some people a lot of pain - I'm finding it difficult to see myself as anything other than a worthless ****, I know I have have to accept that I'm a mess and messed up people do messed up things.

I was able to forgive my father, he killed himself when I was 12 - my mother also has BPD, she was always too scared to tell me about it. I only found out because one morning last year I woke up one morning with the thought that I only had my mums word on how my father died (she told me he died in a car accident) I confronted her and she told me that he killed himself, if I hadn't had the thought to ask her I would probably still not know. Now I understand that he was really screwed up and like I said earlier, messed up people do messed up things.

I don't think I did anything as bad as has been done to me but I feel guilt and shame for the things I have done and want to put things right.

Has anyone else been through this process, how did you do it?

Just on my mind and would be happy to hear some feedback.