I think the original name of BPD or (close to it) is "borderline psychotic".

I used to do similar things.

When I was living alone, I asked a friend to make sure that no one could see me dancing in my living room thru the blinds! He told me to come outside and he went into my apartment and I tried to look thru the blinds, but all I could see was the light shining thru them and maybe a tiny bit of movement, but no one dancing in the windows. But to be convinced, I had to do that with my friend. Before, I was sure that someone could look in and watch me pretend I was a ballerina! lol

I struggle sometimes with thinking that objects are laughing at me when I bump into them "Stupid, clumsy Billi!" they guffaw. "She deserves to be bumped, that stupid klutz!" My mentor and I are dealing with that. I have traced that to being traumatized by people telling me what a klutz I am and being given a message from G*d thru the objects (being bumped by them).

I pray that someday I will combat this.

If you need help, ask for help. From a therapist, doctor, expert, anyone you can trust with this kind of thing.

Also, last time I looked, I think we still have rights as mental health consumers; we can refuse meds or shock treatment.

I am so glad I have Ani, my mentor. He is not a therapist or a doctor, but he also had ptsd and always shares his experience with it. I feel much better when I talk to him and hear his stories.

Take heart; you are not alone.

Billi