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I wrote this earlier. Haven't sent it yet.
At the moment this is a draft. Not sure I'll send it. Just need to
get some thoughts out that have been stirring.
You and I have known each other for nigh on 7 years. That's quite a
while. I have seen you through a divorce. I have seen you sobbing in
a turtle position at 3 a.m. because you felt you couldn't give your
ex-wife sanctuary in your own apartment- because I was there. Talk
about awkward. We have gone practically everywhere together- even to
Canada once- so there is nowhere around here that I can go that isn't
somewhere we've been or next door to it. Our relationship has always
been odd. We've done so much together and had sex that was extremely
intimate, intense, and all-around wonderful. We've held hands and had
talks that were so sweet. I've listened to you about your problems.
Seen you through taxes. Seen you through getting through cleaning up
your apartment. We've also had several fights. And they're always
about the nature of our relationship. Always. This is because I feel
I have been basically your wife for 7 years. Live together? Nope.
Money together? Nope. But none-the-less, I have been there for you.
I care deeply for you. No matter what. And yet this has led to me
feeling cheated on. Many times. This feeling won't go away. I have
sat with you and had such close, friendly, tender, almost luminescent
moments. I care for you on a level that goes beyond even wife maybe.
Certainly beyond what I felt for Jonathan. I care how you are all the
time. When you're angry and when you're crying. We are best friends-
at least. And yet over and over I get hit in the face with the fact
that you don't want me. You never have. Ever. You have a list of
things for your "soul mate" and that's that. I, honestly, don't
believe in soul mates. I believe in commonality. I believe in love.
I don't believe that love means that star-struck feeling of a new
relationship. Love is what you do. Its not found in clothes, or
cars, or houses. I haven't loved your THINGS. I have loved YOU. In
your messy, tiny, annoying apartment with nowhere for two people to
walk around together. But even though you make very little money and
you are desperate for something else, I love you. I must say, that
cheating on me- which I define as going out and having sex and being
sneaky about it- isn't on my top of the list of wonderful things. But
hey- I'm not your wife so you were entitled. Supposedly. yes this
letter is difficult. Only a close, deep friendship could weather it.
When I say I love you, I love you in spite of yourself! Hearing on
Sunday that you'd been out to the Art Fair with some woman got to me.
Maybe its just one more. Maybe I should just let you go find
happiness. But how many times do I have to love you and feel hurt?
How many times will you say "I'm going out Saturday" and I already
know in my heart that means "With another woman"? You're my best
friend. I don't know that I can continue this way. Is it easy to be
around you or not? Difficult question. Very. When we went to the
park last weekend and I took a few pix of you and we saw the snake
eating the toad, I felt happy. When we were on that bench, I felt a
distinct feeling of being surrounded by a bubble of sorts- where this
lovely happiness could last. Yet I knew it wouldn't. But I wanted it
to. The closeness from sex is still there outside of sex, though I
sense that you're purposefully trying to not hold my hand or hug me
lately. So this relationship is what it was at the beginning. Though
I'm not skinny. Though the newness has worn away long ago. Though
the imperfections are worn through. I can't imagine life without you
around. And yet, I know I must. I can't but I must. I think it is
time to love someone and let them go.
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice
Ingrezza 80 mg
Propranolol 40 mg
Benztropine 1 mg
Vraylar 6 mg
Gabapentin 600 mg
Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily
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