It was a good ending. Not a great one. I think somehow I was hoping it would be miraculously healing and I'd leave feeling all better and at peace with it. Not the case.

A lot of the session was good. PArt of it was really hard for me because I couldn't offer much in the way of my emotions - there was just blankness in my head and I got a little scared.

We had a super long hug at the end. I mean way longer than I thought we'd hug. It was nice, excpet for when I started audibly .. I don't know.. keening might be a good word for it. He started talking to me, I don't know what he was saying until he told me that I really would lbe okay. I asked for a fist bump at the final door. He did that and also gave me a punch on the shoulder.

He said he wasn't my T anymore and I could ask him anything. I couldn't think of anything to ask. I feel like I did something wrong or missed an opportunity. My mind just went so totally blank.

I didn't cry. I am now. And also hyper-ventilating righ tnow and close to a apnic attack. I jsut took an ativan and I need to go take a shower and go to bed. Yhou know how when you cry really hard youf eel like you're drowning? Ihave that going on.

This is hard. Thanks for reading this i know it makes no sense. I am all jumbled up right now. I am so sad. I don't even know what part is mkaing me this sad. How the hell am I going to go to work tomorrow? I have a final on WEdnesday. I have a paper due on Wednesday. This sucks so bad. I miss him, which is silly because I wouldn' tbe seeing him again tomorrow anyway. I hate this.

I can't decide if I should post this. Is it even worth the trouble of asking anyone to read it? I guess maybe it will show me something educational when I read it with a calmer head in a few days.