Stopdog, I too find the "canned" empathetic statements that a lot of therapists make to be pointless, annoying, and frustrating. I am currently in a support group, and every time the facilitator says "that must have been difficult for you" or "that sounds frustrating" I want to gag. I can't stand that style of engagement. It feels phony, cliche, pointless, and impersonal. It sounds like she's talking out of a Therapy 101 textbook and she's not actually listening to ME. If she actually understood anything about me, she would know that I'm not the kind of person who appreciates those kinds of responses. To me, those statements are conversation "filler" rather than authentic, personal responses. They just feel totally fake to me. It's like the T doesn't know what to say, so they pull a formulaic statement out of the T "grab bag" and drop it in. I personally find it insulting.

However, I have an entirely different reaction when my personal T practices true empathy. Fortunately for me, my T doesn't talk like a therapy textbook. She doesn't say pointless one-liners like "that must be difficult for you" or "you must have made you felt angry" or "I can understand why that would make you sad." She thinks those kinds of responses are just as annoying as I do. Instead, she just talks to me like a normal person. We just have a regular 'ole conversation about my experiences. I can tell by her facial expressions that she cares, and I can tell by what she does say that she's listening. For instance, when I told her today that my dad told me I should just "get over" a certain childhood experience, my T rolled her eyes and said "no you shouldn't. you don't just get over trauma. it's not that simple." That felt genuine. Had she said "hearing that from your dad must have been difficult for you" I would have wanted to toss a pillow at her from across the room. By saying "no you shouldn't just get over it" she ACTUALLY validated my experience. And it was the first time someone had over told me that I didn't need to "just get over it." It was a really powerful statement.

So, Stopdog, I'm not sure how similar my response style is to yours, but I can say that different Ts have different approaches (and different approaches for different clients). It may just be working with T to figure out what response-style works best for you. What are you looking for form your T? If it's not empathy, then what might be helpful for you? For me, I need authenticity above anything else. I'm allergic to canned bull**** and new-age-y kind of talk. I just need a T who's going to be real with me and tell me like it is. We swear. We eye roll. We make fun of stuff. She demonstrates that she's a human, rather than a blank slate, which is what I need.