Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog
I did not realize you wanted empathy from me-I sort of thought you were making fun of me. Expressing empathy is not the first place I go to - not in least because of how awful it feels to have it aimed at me - I don't want to do that to someone else. There are still some hitches in my knowing what others want.
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Just to clarify, it was my first response in this thread that I felt dismissed, as if your first impulse was just to say "no" to me, no hankster, you got it wrong again. I think that's what triggers me to use "humor" in my later posts? - reacting as I used to with my mother. I see us as both having dismissive avoidant attachment, but we turned out differently because of factors such as birth order, culture (italian here), generation (I'm middle boomer, you're later), etc. I don't ever mean to make fun of you; I have tonnes of respect for you, and I totally value that when i make a joke, you get it; that doesn't come cheap. So yeah maybe I do tend to indulge myself a little more with you. But not because you can take it or deserve it; but because I think you'd appreciate it, as you say, our being playful. Maybe i'm not as subtly witty as I think I am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog
I found the books that at least acknowledge it to be useful to me - I don't find it stupid at all. In your example, my response would be "of course it was good - why do I need you to say so?" It is not the content of what is being talked about but the attempt at empathy itself in general that I find aversive.
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So here, my point was not what YOU thought of my T's comment, my point was I did find it aversive, and you ignored - dismissed - my saying that.
You know - I see your point. It's a subtle difference. The problem is, it's a very slippery conversation. We would have to parse it out to reach some agreement.
00 - If condition is awful and comment is benign then how does that help me? 01 - If condition is awful and comment is heartfelt then how does that help me?
10 - If condition is good and comment is benign then how does that help me?
11 - If condition is good and comment is heartfelt then how does that help me?
So I think we can see, it doesn't matter wtf the conditions are, the question always comes down to, how can this r/s help me?