My husband went slow, stayed living with his wife until he had figured out the money spit and found an apartment, found a lawyer for himself (and paid attention to what she advised), took it one step at a time.

I don't know what to advise you if you are afraid of his words. I do not know how that can work if he is not interested in changing; I would first find a lawyer I could work with and figure out what steps you, personally, want to take from there; I would not leave out-of-hand (that can cause loss of what you leave; property, children, etc.), I would just "agree" with whatever he says, make a plan, keep my own counsel, and follow it through.