I don't know where to begin this. My mind is racing with a million thoughts, my heart filled with many feelings. maybe i should put my daily journal entry down:
7/24/2012
Feelings: sadness, anger, fear
high of the day: none
low of the day: continued fighting with my significant other; failing a test at school.
thoughts: I can't do anything right, I'm stupid, worthless, a waste of life. I'm a complete screw up with everything I do. my girlfriend might leave me and its my own damn fault, and what happens when i lose her, the girl whose stuck by me through everything? I'll be lost and alone, and fall deeper down the downward spiral I'm on with life. I'm ugly, and no one will ever truly love me because 1. I'm unlovable, 2. I'm hideous, 3. I'm too weird for my own good. everyone hates me, no ones on my side. I've been cheated in life, got the raw deal (emotionally that is, and with regard to relationships).

I've felt this way before, and its always triggered by something. you see, my bipolar disorder is caused by things that happen in life. if something good happens, i go manic, if something bad happens i go depressive. I'm in therapy and on several different medications, for ADHD and bipolar disorder. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict from my high school days, when i was bullied and tormented by everyone , and had no friends, turning to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of being physically, emotionally, and psychologically tortured because my ADHD and bipolar disorder were out of control at the time, and i had no social skills. ive had 13 relationships, all ended in failure. one girl was killed in a car accident, another broke up with on bad terms, another forced apart from by her over controlling father, 5 who cheated on me, 2 left me for their ex's 1 was all about sex, and one was emotionally abusive to me. the thing is with me: i have very low self esteem, low self confidence, a horrible sense of social skills, ADHD, bipolar disorder, ODD, and abandonment and rejection issues. I'm so depressed right now, and have no clue what to do. I'm not suicidal though. i just feel like life isn't worth the effort because I've faced a lot of failure in my life. now i'm in school to be a paramedic, and I'm close to failing out, because i skipped class days. the reason i did that was because my addictions came back, because i am so depressed and angry, drinking and smoking marijuana are the only things that seem to make me feel better. and my parents know about everything. they say if i get kicked out of paramedic, I'm out on the street. and i have no money and nowhere to go if that happens. i have no clue what to do about all this. i feel as if my bipolar disorder/ addictions have taken over my life, although i haven't drank or smoked marijuana in 2 weeks, the temptation because of the pain I'm in is there, and i don't want it to be. and then my current girlfriend situation. we've been on and off for 2 years. I love this girl more than anyone else, but we get into arguments about how she lives her life: she smokes weed which is a bad influence on me; she continually goes to clubs without me and dances with other dudes and then tells me about it.. and has said "I'm entitled to do whatever i want without cheating on you", which i think is wrong (when you have a girlfriend, your supposed to be loyal to each other, and i see her behavior as disloyalty. i mean, i dont go doing that stuff, but she does and thinks theres nothing wrong with it. and heres the thing, i love this girl, more than anyone else, because we do have a strong bond and weve been through a lot of stuff together, its just her behavior makes it hard sometimes. recently she chose to go clubbing with her friends instead of seeing me, like i wanted to see her because shes going away this week to the shore and i wont see her till august or september. so shes like completely changed her tune about me. she used to be so loving and caring, now shes just a cold hearted not caring person. she turns on me on a dime, whenever i get upset about her behavior, and gets pissed that i get pissed. on one hand she says she loves me and reassures me and gives me everything i need emotionally, then she does something hurtful to me, and then gets pissed that i get upset about it. i have no idea what to do, both about the her situation, and the other things. but with her, shes the only girl who i have been successful with relationship wise even though we keep breaking up and getting back together, and i'm really afraid to lose her, because she is my best friend and girlfriend, and if i lose her i lose myself, ive invested so much into our relationship. I can't lose her because if i do, i will lose who i am, i will lose my self, and i'm afraid that i wouldnt be able to get myself back, not only that but since every relationship but her ultimatly has failed, i feel as if i do lose her, i'll never find another relationship based on past experience.

moral of the story, my life is spiralling out of control and i need help. any suggestions?