Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
I imagine it's part of the reason I find it so hard to find therapy that works. I see a lot of therapists for an assessment and just end up freaking them out -- they want me to go right back on the drugs and can't see beyond that.


I've done CBT in the past and was heavily involved in mediation for a few years. Need to get back into the latter, though the former just doesn't work for me. I feel like I am hitting a brick wall every time I try it, it just works so radically different from how I do.


Honestly, it's come to a point where I just go and rant for an hour and then he makes some small talk and I leave. This is why I don't feel like it's helping. It feels like (and he has admitted this) he has totally exhausted all the ideas he has and nothing has been of much use.

I don't really know "how" to be vulnerable, but I certainly have cried a lot and told him all about the horrible things I've done in my life and how hurt I am. It certainly hasn't got me anywhere.

ETA: I thought of an illustration. I'm asexual and had wanted to be celibate for my whole life. The rapes had a devastating impact on me because I valued being a virgin so highly. I should also add that while fluent, English isn't my first language and I have trouble expressing some of the nuance I want to convey. I went to him for a year telling him that I wouldn't be OK unless I was a virgin again . . . which I know is impossible and not the right way to describe what I feel, I just don't have another way to put it. I used up a good year of biweekly sessions describing to him exactly what I wanted "healing" to feel like as best I could, but he still had nothing. I spent a year describing to him what goal I had -- not working to finding a way there, or even to finding alternatives. He didn't even respond, he just sat there staring out the window for most of those sessions. So I gave up talking to him about the rapes.