Actually, my T says she is not changing anything, that her stated goal has always been for me to be the one to comfort my parts, not her. She's correct; I looked at emails throughout my therapy where she said that. But today's session hurt, and I would like to talk about it.

It's hard for me to sit with my feelings. The DBT coordinator and I finally stopped playing phone tag. She told me she made a mistake and there is a wait to get into the day group. She'll find out for sure when I can start and call me back tomorrow.

My T was happy to hear how well I coped during the week. I told her it's because nothing triggered me. She wanted to know how I felt by not emailing her, and I said "powerful". She liked that. We talked about why I decided to do something about it, finally, and I told her that my "thread" on this forum is what started it all. So, in spite of some posts that I didn't like, everyone's caring and honesty got to me. I told T that you guys know me longer than she does, and I knew that what you said was true. So, thank you, again.

So, T went to another somatic experiencing workshop and wanted to do an exercise about boundaries with me. I used pillows to make my boundaries. She moved farther away from me so I could do it. Then she asked where my H would be, and my Mom. I said my Mom was too close to me sometimes, and that was fine when I was lonely not when I didn't want her there. I said I didn't have a choice! T thought that was a brilliant insight. My T likes me. But I started feeling sad, and looked away. She wanted to know how I felt then, and where was I? I didn't want to tell her that I was sad because I wanted her closer to me. I said something about wanting her to be next to me on the couch holding my hand, but she let that pass by! She was interested in if I know when I am going to do "that", what I did.

I'm not sure what it is. Is it disassociating? I called it "freezing" and we talked about flight, fight, or freeze response to trauma. I said "what trauma" and she said even my relationship with my Mom could have been traumatic. A few minutes later I did "it" again. I look away because I want it to be about her and me! I told her that.

I told her how I hate the "body" questions and want to freeze when she asks me where I feel something. We are going to talk about that more. It's more about shame than wanting to freeze, I think.

Near the end of the session instead of letting me talk about her and me she said "let's chit/chit" and she asked me about something, I don't even remember what any more! I said I don't know if I can go another week without emailing. She said I can! She said she's not going anywhere. I don't understand that! But she's not letting it be about her and me. I feel like I can't stand it. She said "how about a hug" so we did. Hugs aren't triggering for me. They're okay, and that's all.

I left and cried in the car before I could leave.

I know I need to get through this. I called my friend and talked about it. She says I'm doing great, and it will get easier.

It hurts all over, though.