((Open Eyes)) & ((RosePanachee)) & ((All))
Thank you--
I get mad at me-- I hate that at times I feel "I can do this and I got it handled", then I can fall apart again with the same thing that I supposedly had handled.... then I am complaining about the same story due to "bump came"-
I don't get why the hospital wont get outside help either- I asked him about that with the 2nd attempt call and he said they don't do that--- I am just boggled with it all. I get worried that if the hospital says he is fine, and he does this again that the cops will take him in for like disturbing the peace or something and he go back to jail--
but i need to remember that is not my fault if that happens.
Well I did end up with waiting a little longer and then ended up falling asleep and woke up -- he never called back- not a real big surprise but sigh- anger that did pass.
His Friends (a couple) has not responded back either (I tried to call them as well earlier, after they sent me an email and I contacted my brother and got "the "new" scoop"; and I ended up sending them back an email when they would not answer their phones)..
I like these people that are his friends, but I don't need this extra stress- and I am sure they do not either but why ask if not going to respond back? I know everyone is busy- and that there is what I keep in mind.
Yeah RosePanachee mention anger--- a lot of anger and me and by me at least acknowledging that it is ok (actually one thing helpful from ex-t too, to say it is ok to be angry, but let it go as well) with all the stuff I have gone through with this, it is ok to be angry- and surprisingly *today* after my nap-- it has passed easier today after writing down and letting myself be angry then saying it was ok and accepting I can't do anything for him... IDK why that is hard for me at times.
I also told myself that if his friends don't understand my ground here, that is fine and ok- and just because they may not understand, does not mean no one understands.. and after all- I don't need approval from others to stop my suffering-- right?
(right!).
I keep saying right now-- I can be around when he gets better, but I can't be around right now with how much effort I have put into this all, and need to let go.....
I guess it hurts in a way knowing, that I have spent so much time, effort with letting him know people care, get help for himself, that if I leave and say "I will be around when you get help and are better"-- i probably wont see him again- and even though logically I know that is a good thing, i guess it is just hard in another stand point...
Guess I should be honest with myself with saying-- I am done,
It hurts on another level-- I am really the only "blood family" that talks to him due to all the stuff he does..
idk why that hurts so bad, i guess me being too empathetic towards him on it... and that has been used and abused to my disadvantage sadly, by him.
Geez round 1 million Beauflow and Brother issue.... it just sucks
I will try to not let this come again... I was upset monday night with beating myself up over the (not last weekend) but the weekend before stuff with him and what my sister suggested-- Then this on Tuesday afternoon.
Oh and I also have told myself- My Sister may not have suggested what she did if she knew the whole story which I have not told her all of -- idk why, a part of me thinks she knows but realistically she could not fully know, only go off what she knows (which I know what she knows cuz it is from childhood).. Need stop beating myself up with not being able to do what the suggestion asked, and in away in the past - I already have,...
Why could I not figure this out earlier?
thank you all