I've been in therapy for a long time and did all the FOO trauma stuff
now we are in the personal trauma stuff
remember 'we speak in therapy not so that the therapist will understand what happened, but so we can hear our own voice speaking the truth about our life"

so we do our best to speak the unspeakable...

this time, doing so was not followed by a huge wave of why did I ever do that, she will run screaming from me
not even followed by a huge wave of relief for releasing secrets that have festered inside all my life
this time, the worst of the things I said keep coming back to me and I think, without words, Yes, this is true. This. is. my. life. Just dead certainty. It's such a heavy burden.

what would i give for a redo button, but of course there is no such thing.
i want so much to turn to the positive, but it's like all my strength is drained away. When I had the big flu I couldn't even lift my hand; i feel like that now, emotionally. Three days have passed & I thought I would change by now.

has anyone else ever gone through this? what is the next step?