((Open Eyes and RosePanachee)) Thank you--
I just wish this was easier- again another epiphany came about that I got this handled after i wrote what i had a few hours ago.. I hope this time around I do for my own sakes---
Open Eyes you hit one thing head on-- dangerous, and it is part of my fear here with my brother-- I don't know, I hate that I don't know, if he will be malicious with me disconnecting from him... My other sister (#4 not oldest) mentioned something that is head on on my fear with our brother-- When he feels cheated, hurt or betrayed his out lit is to hurt the one that has done that by any means possible.... I have experienced in different ways, she had experienced this in childhood from him, and worse yet I know what he has done to others in situations like this (Stocking and hurting physically and/or screwing them over dearly). I don't want to come home and find my windows broken out to my apt. or him come over and i wont let him in and he go off on me. His violent temper scars me sadly... it is something that holds onto me.
BUT---- I have told myself when I had that epiphany about a month ago before getting back in this and I have to remind myself-- The Police would be called -- I would not bat an eye with pressing charges in the event that he was the one that did the things-- windows broken out nothing could be done unless someone else saw him, but still. And my logical brain says there is nothing wrong with this but the other part says I am being cruel if I did so-- need to tell that other part to hush.
((Thank you Open Eyes and Rose Panachee and everyone else that has replied on this thread)) It is validation. and yeah my SO I wrote him a note the other night saying sorry I blamed the other day, with him for reopening this wound with me-- it is not right- It is not his fault as Open Eyes, you have mentioned, my SO tries to find away to help me out which sometimes is not the answer for me.
I seem to see the relationship of "trying to help out/fix a problem" with my SO and myself, that sometimes his suggestions do not work well for me, and it is me who has to come to terms with things, or it is me that has to do the well suggested things, my SO can not do that--- I get that so clearly with him and myself --- I just need to apply that more with my brother- not let the lines blur and get so merky it is the SAME Concept.
And on another thing- I think why the last two phone calls have been 5-10 minutes with my brother leaving the conversation, partially is due to I am not participating in his bad ways of abusing me emotionally and manipulating me, I have been strong with talking to him on the phone and it being about him in the sense and supporting him getting to therapy, I just fall apart by myself after the call, it seems.
Yeah- the other siblings in my family--- pfft. Only the older sister #4 I think is not so toxic (i think she has a lot of stuff together) and has things going for her-- She is good with not falling back in pits.... but the others-- they would just play in the dysfunction and damage more.
I have been thinking more on what RosePanachee mentioned too about suffering- I hate to admit it- but yes.. I hate to admit it due to suffering i see as "victim" and I don't like that view on myself-- i like to think myself as strong, and it is hard to think of victims as strong for me.. I hate to admit that I allow this as well.. But with that realization has lifted a lot off of my shoulders with this as well. Seeing this has reminded me, don't allowed to be pushed around again if this comes up...
I wrote down the other day on my sheet-- Caring Does Not Mean Suffering... For some reason physically writing it down, re-reading it to myself, just had some clarification come through.. made me feel stronger in an odd way.
Been thinking more on it is not my guilt to hold as well--
it is not my doing if they do something, and i have no control over what they do.
I know this will be a process thing for me and I think i will write down some things and keep it some where for the rainy day when or if this hits again.
I just need to remember all of this-- keep it in mind-- which probably wont happen due to I will have so much emotion, but if i write it down and place it some where- where i wont lose it, and i can read on the rainy day--- maybe it will help not to get so swampt back down in it all again.
aw but on the lighter side-- I wish i had loads of moneys
send everyone i know that needs help to go get it (lol)
(thank you all) sorry this is so darn long.
and as I sat here knitting for a moment I thought about what I just mentioned about suffering-- I need to find another out look on it- been so much (all my life) of suffering means victim but with that I have said in twisted way- suffering makes me stronger in some cases-- Which that is NOT the case and totally illogical just to say suffering is victim. And I am sorry-- that is a working progress thinking that needs to change.