Now I know we get triggered by various things and this is the frustrating part...
I don't see T until saturday. I don't feel like I'm going to self harm but I was thinking on the way to work about something that happened on the weekend.
I was at a BBQ for my futsal team and my father and his girlfriend was there because my Dad plays on our team.
At the BBQ we were all listening to Rn B I was not drinking. But a song came on that I used to salsa too. When I started to salsa my friends were like let's go out dancing and when I looked up my Dad was looking at me funny. Like a lion about ready to eat a Gazelle.
I looked away and stopped instantly. I moved myself and when I looked at him again he was looking at me still like that... It froze me and it made me feel scared.
I started thinking about it today and I started remembering stuff. Like the time when I was 16 I had forgotten my clothes in my bedroom and I walked out of the bathroom nude to get them quickly and he was looking at me in a way a father shouldn't look at his daughter
O r the time shortly after that when I woke up cold in bed because I had urinated in my bed and my mother said to me maybe I had dreamt I went to the toilet, BUT I don't recall having that dream.
Or the time I ran away at 12 and my father when I saw him looked white with fear like he was guilty when the police was interviewing me when I came back home
Or that when I was 20 yrs old the parents put a porno on and asked me to watch it with them and I lost time after that I can't really member if I left the house or went to bed alone. Thats not normal right?
Or the fact that my mother blamed me for stuff and SHE was jealous of me. Is it because he did something?
There are more but I don't remember him doing anything to me BUT mum said that Dad stopped wanting to have sex with her when I was 8 years old.
I am seriously freaking out here because if I eventually remember any of this stuff I think I'll just go crawl in a hole and give up.
Dad was always the nice one but now I just don't ****ing know
**** you DID, I want to know because if my suspicions are right I want to fix this **** now and never have him around me or my family ever again.
And if my ***** of mother knew about it I want her out of my ****ing house NOW