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Ariana,
What is going on? It really doesn't sound like your fault. What happened to your friend?
Are you getting treatment for your depression? You deserve to have a life. I don't know what is happening to your friend, but it would just be a double tragedy if you let it keep you from progressing and being who you can be. You can recover.
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“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg
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